Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Summertime

Hey Ya'll: I have been at my most favorite spot in the whole wide world. Truth is my
world was beginning to seem a little frenzied. Now I have walked on the beach, read books, slept, stared at the ever changing colors of the marsh, visited with old friends, and last but not least I have been body surfing. Shocking!!!! I know....Someone of my size and age. But I love to ride waves. There is a hurricane brewing off the east coast. This caused quite a bit of turbulence in the ocean. I love that. So, off I headed into the surf with my skirted bathing suit on. The water was so rough, that my skirt got wadded up and stretched to my ankles. I looked like something from the 1800's instead of 2010. It was immediately pitched. Next day, the sun rises, the ocean calls and I don my second bathing suit. This suit has hardware holding up the front and the back. Again, headlong into my fifth or sixth wave....POP.... Bathing suit number two has bitten the dust. It was immediately pitched. So, on my final day, I had to dig deep into my luggage. Thankfully, I had packed an oldie goldie. Unfortunately, this bathing suit is losing it's elastic. Not good. No elastic and the legs ride up to expose my buttocks. I keep covered up until I can't stand it anymore. Great abandon occurs when I am riding waves. Your body is flung around in such a topsy turvy manner that you don't know which end is up much less trying to complete a thought except maybe...Please God, don't let a shark think I am a seal or some other tasty morsel. When I am in the ocean, I feel weightless and carefree until something rubs against my leg or nibbles on my toe. Scary! I hate it when I am swimming and the guy on the beach next to me decides to fish. Hugh lines, lots of bait. I know I taste better than a mullet. Anyway, at the end of the day, we had great dinners. Drank lots of wine. Watching the moon rise and the stars come out is one of God's best miracles. To end the day, we got into a name calling all out war game of spades. The first two nights Precious and company won but the second two nights....the ladies were victorious. My friends are generous to a fault. They healed me. I am thankful for good friends, good wine, good food, sleep and incredible beaches.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Every week when you go to church they hand you a bulletin. This bulletin gives you the order of the service, the readings and the gospel (and they are all spelled out). It gives you the songs (and all the words) that you will be singing. It then tells you about births, deaths, illness and birthdays. Next it gives the upcoming lineup for Sunday School, reading groups, foyer groups, mothers groups and Bible Study. You get the idea. It is a T-O-N of work. They do this every week!!!! For the past few days, I have been gathering info to put in the wedding program. Sounds simple..I know. The couple has to pick out the readings (1st and 2nd). They pick out the gospel. They pick out the songs for the Prelude, Processional and Recessional. The program needs to list names of the entire wedding party. It needs to list memorials. It lists the happy couple's new address. It is a T-O-N of work. Once the spelling of everyone's name is down pat, you have to lay the sucker out. Now I have a gifted and talented friend at work who is doing this for me. She is a saint and has the patience of Job. After the first few lines, I needed a big ole aspirin and was ready to call it quits. We worked on this for several hours. We were at work and therefore customers rudely interrupted us by needing our help. You'd think they could see we were busy but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. We completed the first page. No joke. The first page. Now I am heading out of town and the program is nowhere near ready for print. Please....Next I may have to pay a "rush" fee to guarantee their arrival before the wedding. Those weekly bulletins at church are much longer and much more involved than mine. I have a new found R-E-S-P-E-C-T for the poor soul who's job it is to produce them. They need to be laminated and published and passed down from generation to generation. Meanwhile, back on page two..........

Tradition

In the south, we have lots of wonderful traditions. We say yes Ma'am and yes Sir to all people older than we are. Small children will call you Miss (whatever your name is)i.e. Miss Carol or Mr. John. We say things like Bless Your Little Pea Picking Heart. This saying is sometimes full of sympathy and sometimes not so much...a tiny bit derogatory. We make long sentences out of one syllable words..... HEYYYYYYY or NOOOOOOOOOOO. We put peanuts in our Coca Colas. We wear our pearls daily. We garden and can and then mid-winter try to figure out what is in all those canning jars. We enjoy lots of pickled items...pickled beets, pickled okra, pickled peaches and pickled pigs feet. But one of our more genteel traditions is to display wedding gifts. We dig out our white tablecloths that have been passed down for generations. Our great-grandmothers either embroidered or did cut work on these beauties. Shockingly, these delicate babies can have stains on them since they haven't seen the light of day in 20 years. We soak them in clorox or lemon juice and hang them in the sun. We wash and iron them and act like we use these on a daily basis. Once the tables are covered, we display the wedding gifts. Linens go in one area, formal items are on the sideboard, the back table is full of everyday china, mixers, bowls and grill pans. Every bride will receive a token strange gift. Mine was a mushroom log. I swear on a stack of bibles this is true.
Nonetheless, the item will be displayed like it was part of the queen's crown jewels. The decorator in all of us emerges. I display the items and Precious rearranges. Thank you notes will soon be in the mail. Tradition.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Whata ya have?

When you are getting ready to "give away" your daughter, you need your family around you. Now, I would never give my daughter away. That is just marriage vernacular. But I am entering a new phase...So my dear family...my mother and her husband, my brothers and their wives, and my cousins gathered around and gave my daughter and my STBSIL an around the house shower and they provided a catered dinner. The yard was manicured, outdoor furniture was cleaned off and pillows were plumped. Now it is August and it is summertime and it is hot and humid. This is the perfect formula for a thunder boomer. And did it ever!!! Rained cats and dogs. This just added to the fun. There is a dining establishment in our city that is an institution. It serves greasy chili dogs, onion rings and fries. This institution's truck was parked in my brother's driveway. His carport was full of wine and beer and when you got hungry, you just got an umbrella, walked up to this truck and placed your order....How AWESOME is that!!!???? If you were not raised on this fine cuisine, it could make you a smidge sick...all that grease and all. However, my entire family has been consuming these tantalizing food choices for generations. We dig it!!!We were all a little sweaty and a little greasy. At an appointed hour, we all came inside and watched my daughter and STBSIL open their gifts. They got great booty. We had so much fun. My cousin made sounds like a bagpipe and I sang along to Amazing Grace. I think we could be on America's Got Talent. We all like each other and we like the happy couple's friends. They are full of stories that I can laugh at now...wouldn't have been able to work up a smile several years ago. I am so very, very thankful for my family. I am thankful for the gift of laughter. I am thankful that a little rain doesn't dampen our spirits. I am thankful that my daughter and STBSIL are loved. I pray they will have a strong and happy union.

Just the facts ma'am

First: My mother and her husband are home from FL. Thanks be to God.
Second: Lots and I mean lots of my friends have responded to the issue of under armor
and have advised against it. All said be comfortable and not worry.
I may look like Sponge Bob Square Pants but I will be comfortable and
I'd rather have a great looking pair of shoes than a bra any day.
Third: I heard way more about the bachelorette weekend than I think I needed to.
Bathtubs and bruises and boobs and bbc's were all discussed.
Fourth: Cake flavors have been chosen!!
Fifth: Linens have been chosen!!!
Sixth: I am going to the beach for six whole days....actually four as two are travel.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Tits and ass

Damn....I woke up and don't have the body of Kate Moss. After consuming some coffee, showering, and paying more attention than usual to my shaving routine as body parts will be exposed, I head to the store. Numerous people have told me this salesgirl is a magician and will find undergarments to assist you in obtaining an hourglass figure. So I'm standing in front of a 3 way mirror in my underwear. It is humiliating. Next she measures me and says that I have a pear shape. Have I traipsed over here to hear that breaking news? I have known since I was 13 that I have a pear shaped body. Then she leaves me and my exposed body and the 3 way alone in the dressing room. How low can I go ??? After awhile, she comes in with bras, panties, bodysuits etc... You now remove your bra and lean over. Seriously. The entire time she is talking about the girls (which look like a couple of old women to me). She continues with this... we need to let gravity work....She's lucky I didn't slap her. She harnesses the beasts, adjusts straps and says there!! So with the top half taken care of, she gently suggests a body suit. It is like being molded into a sausage casing. Just getting the contraption on, caused me to sweat. She's not sure this will work with the dress. After catching my breath, I remove the torturous device. The end of this woeful tale is that I spent an obscene amount of money. Her closing words to me were, try them on with the dress and return the ones that don't work. I'm not really sure when I can muster up that type of energy again. There is also a voice in my head saying, it is going to be a long day. You will need to be comfortable not hot and contorted. Should my strength and resolve to try them on with the dress return, I will get my daughter to see if she sees a difference. I can tell you this, it will have to be a very dramatic change. Maybe, I can pray a little harder. Dear God.......

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Man in the Mirror

If you are crazy enough to use this as a learning tool, watch out for the unexpected.
We have a ballroom for the reception. It has tables. It does not have linens. Linens are an upgrade. It has chairs. Ugly chairs. Nice chairs are an upgrade. It has parking but not complimentary parking. But for a small fee....... When this space was reserved, there was no college football game scheduled. Guess what? There is now.
There was no city festival scheduled. Guess what? There is now. The lovely city in which we reside, has decided to not only have a festival but close off the street just at the intersection of the reception site. These are NOT worry lines on my face. They just look to you like worry lines. Don't fret, I never pass in front of a mirror.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Desperado

We're getting down to the wire. Five weeks away. Where did the time go? I still haven't lost weight. I still haven't been to the eye doctor for new contacts. The facials that I was going to schedule, have been preempted by other expenses. I look like Sponge Bob Square Pants. Not kidding, a perfect square with tri-focals. I need a miracle. If I wake up tomorrow and have the body of Kate Moss, then my prayers have been answered. If not, it's off to the foundations department I go. Never, ever did I think I would visit the foundations department. But this is what I need. My boobs need to be lifted. My waist needs to be cinched. My butt needs to look teeny, tiny and my arms need to be strong, taut, willowy appendages. For this armor, I am willing to pay big bucks. Not looking forward to it but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. Will let you know how it goes.....

Wild Thing

My son has a wild side. He has and does test every limit. Lots of my gray hair, I attribute to him. People tell me he's funny. Other mothers tell me what a help he is around their homes. People tell me they LOVE him. I love him too. He is a terrific person. I drive him crazy and may I add, vice versa. Anyway, my son and I head off together in search of the items he will need to wear for the wedding. Upon entering the store, the salesman looks at my post-it note. He sees my list. It takes him several tries to get the jacket right because my son has very broad shoulders. Next thing you know, they head to the dressing room. After a while my baby boy emerges. He is dressed to the nines. He takes my breath away. You're looking good!!! He smiles. He knows it. Then after the markings for alterations have been made, we head home. He complains about my driving, the songs on the radio, and for a real shocker...his lack of money. He has accepted that fact that my human ATM days are over, but you gotta hand it to him for trying. My question is: when did that wild child turn into such a handsome man???

Monday, August 16, 2010

This one's for the girls......

I had been at my job about 6 months when it was time for my first review. My boss
kept saying we were one big family. In my head I was thinking, not my family. In fact, I despised the job. The job description involved sweeping and dusting and wiping down counter tops. It involved emptying trash. It was hot. My desk is wedged between the bathroom and the copier. Cramped...did I say hot??? There was a lot to learn and we were busy. Think back, four years ago....you had a little pocket change. Now, I have a limited understanding about china, crystal, pewter, and the monster in the room....the computer. We have endured death, divorce, boyfriends, illness,engagements and pregnancy. We have each others' backs. We share stories, food, tears and laughter. At Christmas, we gather and sing Christmas carols and put on a very amateur performance of some kind. We drape ourselves in bows and ribbons and hats and actually pretend like we are on Broadway. We make fools of ourselves because our boss, the lady we love, loves it. So a toast to you sweet girls, I love each and everyone of you. My boss was right, we are like family.....Oh yea, I've put a fan under my desk. It blows up my skirt all day, thus the smile.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Sorry seems to be the hardest word

I am sorry. I am sorry that I went a little off. So sorry, sorry, sorry. The sad thing about fights is that it really takes it out of a girl. Somehow my heart is just not in it anymore. Pray that the joy returns. The upside is Precious and my daughter are speaking to me again. Wonder what they need? Tuxedo from the dry cleaners, pick up the bridesmaid's gifts, dinner?????

Saturday, August 14, 2010

It's five o'clock somewhere

Well now I've done it. My daughter is mad at me. Precious is mad at me. I am mad at others that I dare not mention. White hot mad. I would like a drink. Actually, I would like lots of drinks. Lots and Lots and Lots of drinks. Then maybe I would be calm. Maybe I would sleep. Maybe I would quit crying. Now in perspective, it is a tiny issue. It's not cancer or death or jail. But it is real and it hurts. People are rude. Their rudeness puts us in an awkward position. I just don't get it. I'd love to stay and rant but right now, I am going to fix a big ole drink.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Please Mr. Postman...

Checking my mailbox is the most excitement I've had in years. Everyday, envelopes are addressed to me!!! They are not bills...Yea!!! They are the response cards. These cards are in my physical mailbox. You know, the one by the street, next to our driveway. I open the front of the mailbox like a gift. It's the little things in life that make me happy. In an effort to get organized, I alphabetized the guests' names in my notebook. That would be a spiral bound notebook not an Ipad notebook. Then I alphabetize the days' responses and check them against the name in my book. Next, I put the alphabetized response cards in a box as some people write clever remarks on them and my daughter may want to read them someday. Now maybe this is not the most efficient way to organize, but it works for me. It never goes down. Experts tell you that a certain percentage of the invitees will say they will not be able to attend. I counted on that percentage. Only ONE "no" so far. This could take Precious out.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Oh the times, they are a changing....

T. Rex was my neighbor. When we were all getting married, only guys had a bachelor party. This party lasted one night and according to Websters' was "an evening of debauchery". Sometimes the guys got a smidge out of control, tickets were issued
cars were lost and the groom to be came home tipsy. Now however, the groom has his bachelor party and the bride has a bachelorette party. Both functions can take days. Travel is no problem...New Orleans, Las Vegas, New York. Go figure... So all the bridesmaids head to the beach for a weekend of fun in the sun..Not so fast.....
Prior to the girls departure, the maid of honor and another bridesmaid decided to
visit a store with "adult" toys. They head into the store mid morning of a work day.
They are the only car in the parking lot. Much to their dismay, when they open the door, the place is teaming with customers. This place has an underground parking lot so decent people won't see your car!!!! The clerk behind the counter says, let me guess..bachelorette party. Who would have thunk it??? They were nailed. As they moseyed around the store, they got quite an education. They purchased one cake pan in the shape of a penis....thankfully I was not told about other "goodies" they bought and they left the store. By all accounts, the chicks had a great weekend...I pray they are discreet when it comes to that arch enemy of mine....facebook. Please don't tell me if you see any pictures.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Wonderwoman

My mother married a wonderful man three years ago. They are happy as two peas in a pod. They listen to Clark Howard. Clark Howard said that real estate in Melbourne, FL was a good buy. So as not to let anyone else get the better deal, they scooted right on down to Melbourne. Have you ever heard of Melbourne? It is on the Atlantic, south of Cape Canaveral and north of Vero Beach. They bought an oceanfront condo. They packed a few belongings and headed south. One week after their purchase, mom's husband had a stroke. Now my mom is in great health. But...this is a new city, she doesn't have the phone hooked up. Her support system is not in place. But by golly she masters it. After 4 days, he is moved from the hospital to a rehabilitation center. She visits everyday. Does the laundry. Receives guests...his kids, my brother, me. He is making great progress. Now he is back at the condo. She takes him to rehab 3 times a week. She knows where the hospital, the airport, the rehab center, Target and Publix are located. She has even done a little decorating in her spare time. She goes to the beach everyday and checks on the sea turtles. When I was there, we saw the turtle tracks and nests. We even saw a gull with a baby turtle in it's peak. She takes her beach chair and beer and has a little cocktail hour on the beach. She paints. She is remarkable and her husband is lucky to have her in his corner. We all are...she's my hero...... Wonderwoman.

Make new friends but keep the old

This entire wedding experience is humbling. The generosity of friends is incredible.
A group of my dear friends gave our daughter a shower. It was perfect. I have known some of them since grade school, some since high school and one since college. Just walking in the door made me weepy. There was a beautiful basket of flowers on the front door. Linens had been pressed, furniture had been dusted, gardens had been raided all in honor of my bride to be. Iced tea (the house wine of the south) and prosecco was passed around. Then one of these angels gave the blessing. I swear I didn't know she had it in her. Now I really was a mess. The food at the luncheon was so delicious that you would swear Julia Child was in the kitchen. Then gifts were opened and everyone was exclaiming. Now at some point, another one of these angels decided to pass around her homemade shortbread. Need I say more??Homemade!!! Unfortunately, the tray tilted and some of the shortbread ended up on the floor. So we scrambled to pick them up and declared the 10 second rule was in effect. You do know the 10 second rule??? Now my STBSIL's mother did have the tiniest angst on her face as several of us popped the shortbread in our mouths and sighed in pure joy. Not to worry, she'll get used to us. So all in all it was very, very, very special. Am I lucky or what??????

Monday, August 9, 2010

Where have all the flowers gone????

As previously stated, I work in retail with lots of brides. The benefit of this for me was getting great references. If my friends thought the vendor did a great job, was easy to work with and had a fair price, that was endorsement enough. They were hired. The florist was one recommended. Now, I love flowers so to me this was one of the more important aspects of the wedding. For some people it's the dress, some the cake but for me it's definitely the flowers. So these guys had me hooked from the beginning. First, they had two dogs and were getting a third. This elevates them to extreme heights in my mind. Second, they were all in with the more is more theory. Third, when my daughter wanted simple and I want crystals and rhinestones and feathers and peacocks and flowers on every surface, they didn't cringe. In fact, they gave me a great big hot pink feather. This feather holds a prominent spot in my parlor. So now I love them. Love, love, love them. They allow me to show them pictures in books and magazines that I admire. They don't seem to mind if I call them once a week with a new thought. Every month we make a little payment towards the flowers...kinda like layaway....sad, but true. I recommend them to every bride I encounter. I hope their business explodes. So, if you are wondering where all the flowers have gone, I pray they are in some cooler with my name on it.

Momma said there'd be days like this

Deep breathing. Deep breathing. Inhale and exhale slowly. This isn't working. There
are days that I just get anxious. Weddings sound like they consume your life. They
don't. They are an addition. Work is still mandatory. So is cleaning the house,
cooking, walking the dog. Let's take the little chore of going to the grocery store.
Make a list. Remember the bags. Shop....circling store for items like artichoke hearts and doubling back for milk. Load cart. Proceed to checkout. Unload cart. Pay. Take cart to car. Unload cart. Take cart back to store. Drive home. Unload car.
Put up groceries. See what I mean???? Friends parents get sick. They are your priority now. Birthdays need celebrating. Hair needs to be cut and colored and this can take forever. I need a pedicure. The car needs gas. The dog needs heartworm pills. Oh, you need a list for the rehearsal dinner. By tomorrow. Some days are fun, some not so much. There is not enough time.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Girl, you gotta give it up

The invitations have been mailed!!!!! Yea!!!!! Wedding invitations have more options than Carter has liver pills. So as not to bore anyone, we went with a classic engraved invitation. My dear co-worker patiently spaced and placed the wording. Precious didn't like Rook. So we started over. In the end, we were all very happy. Now, these
suckers must be assembled. Invite, tissue, reception card, tissue, stamped return envelope and reply card because apparently normal people don't know how to write a response card on their own. What do they teach in school? I digress. This assembly line took place on our dining room table. DO NOT ENTER the room if you are drinking or eating or chewing. If you own white gloves, that would be preferable. We check,
double check, triple check. We alphabetize and gently place them in the car for
transportation. We get to the post office and ask if hey hand cancel. NO. Next they take my invitations which are now like my babies and STUFF them into bins. A dagger pierced my heart. Please... They are alphabetized and oh so important. The postal worker looks at me and says with smile, Girl...you gotta give it up.

Friday, August 6, 2010

One Enchanted Evening- The Engagement Party

Ten couples went together to give my daughter and STBSIL the engagement party of their dreams. They ordered the cutest invitations you have ever laid your eyes on. Then these friends brought in a caterer, bartender and DJ. They organized themselves so some did liquor runs, some brought flowers, some brought trays and serving pieces, some helped hang tiny white lights around the patio. They had coozies made commemorating the happy occasion. The florist brought lanterns that were filled with white candles and topped with white hydrangeas. These lanterns lined the path from the street to the front door. A huge wreath of hydrangeas and roses and lilies was hung over the fireplace. Votive candles were everywhere. The bartender set up in the old Shenandoah room and you wouldn't have recognized the place. The DJ set up at one end of the ballroom. The dining room housed all the delectable food choices. After about an hour, the place was rocking. Now in my family, we really don't need much to shake our tail feathers. Yet, people who normally aren't the dancing type, looked like Fred and Ginger. The "young people" were doing dances to non-existent jump ropes, pretend sandwiches and car washes. My "older" friends were joining in on the fun. My mother and sister in law danced to almost every single song. That bartender and DJ were really doing their jobs. After the DJ packed it in, we were even more honored when my dear friend brought out his guitar. He sang a song to my daughter and STBSIL. He played and sang and we loved every minute of it. When the last flame of the candles died down, the platters of food were empty, the bar had taken a terrific hit and everyone was saying their good-byes, our hearts were full. Full of gratitude for our friends. Thank you seems inadequate. So..merci, gracias, and a great big THANKS Ya'll. It was one enchanted evening.

Hog Wart Hall

We live in an old tudor home that was built in the 30s. It is dark and dank and down right scary. I won't go into the basement. The attic only under dire need. There is a room we refer to in jest as the ballroom. It has a huge vaulted ceiling that looks like you are inside a whale's mouth. Two large chandeliers in the shape of wagon wheels hang from the ceiling. Go figure... This room is about 850 square feet. The walls in this area have given everybody great pause. We have all run our hands over it. Is it real stone? Is it cork? Is it a faux finish? What it is is UGLY. This house sits way up on a hill and you can't see it from the street. Our dear friends want to give an engagement party for our daughter. Precious wants to have the party at our home. Now this may seem simple. We just made a few minor adjustments... Cut down trees and clear a path. Level the path. Cover the path in wood chips. Thank God Precious has a very dear friend who assisted in this mammoth undertaking. Next on the list....Paint the ballroom. I'm not kidding, two coats. Next we need Air Conditioning in this room. Precious adds AC. Now, I was dead set against this as it would ruin the integrity of the room. I was wrong. Installing air conditioning in that room was pure genius. Now we have an ante room off of the ballroom. We used to refer to it as the shenandoah room. Bad ugly. Some type of untreated wood. Precious thinks we should paint it. So we buy some primer and commence. The primer disappeared. We try again. Again, the primer disappeared.
About our third coat. We decided this was a bad idea. The party is in 4 days so we have to finish this task. Precious decides to paint it a dark gold. If it disappears, it won't be as obvious. Guess what? Precious was right again...damn...
I hung a few paintings. Put in a palm tree and we ended up with an almost legitimate
bar. I am too old for renovations.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

It's raining men (gay men)- HALLELUJAH

How did a person ever plan a wedding before gay men came out of the closet? This entire wedding is going to happen because of gay men. They are sooooooo out there and I love it and them!! They think out of the box. Their taste is exquisite, their sense of humor is biting and compliments flow from their lips like rain from a thundercloud. They love their dogs. Have I mentioned sensitive??? Their mama's must have made them go to charm school. They know how to dress and how to dress you. They pay attention to you when you speak. They have impeccable manners and they can flat cut a rug on the dance floor. They are not threatened by going to the opera or ballet. God must have given them all the green thumbs because their gardens are bursting with glorious, colorful blooms all year long. Not only do they grow flowers, but then they cut those flowers and arrange them in the most incredible arrangements. I'm not exactly sure why so many gay men are hairdressers, but thank the good Lord they have chosen this noble profession. They are strong and brave and are on the front line with you as you battle old age and graying hair. They cry with you when you tell them a sad story. I love a good straight man but sometimes, just sometimes, when some handsome hunk of a gay man goes by, the devil in me says..... now that's a crying shame. Forgive me Lord.

I'll diet tomorrow

I am overweight. There has not been a time in my life when I can't eat. Some people say they can't eat when they are stressed or worried or tired or sick. Me, I can eat anytime. Not only can I eat but I do eat. I love food. I like to read recipes. I like to try new recipes. I watch cooking shows on TV. I'm especially partial to Ina Garner the oh so talented Barefoot Contessa. I like sweet, savory, spicy and creamy foods. Cheese has it's own shelf in my refrigerator. Going to the produce stand, is like nirvana. I also like to drink. Wine would be a mainstay. One of the best inventions from the magnificent potato is vodka. I like vodka tonics or vodka and cranberry juice. Cosmopolitans are sublime. I love holding the chilled glass and seeing the droplets on the side. The limes look so beautiful. Margaritas send me to the moon. Not nasty ones but the ones that take a little effort. The secret to a good margarita is beer. So in summation I like to eat and drink. Entertaining is a blast. Having friends for dinner combined with drinking and eating...come on...it's fun. I like to set the table, arrange the flowers, try new recipes on my little guinea pigs. Sometimes this involves new drinks. Dawahs from Africa. One time I made some concoction so deadly, we were bedridden the next day....won't make those again. I have very good friends that don't have taste buds. Well, maybe they do, but they are not as developed as mine. In summation, I am fat. It is now weeks away from the wedding and I have gained weight instead of losing weight. I had to buy a MOB dress. Had to go to Omar the tent maker to find one. Does it look great? No, I look like a middle aged fat woman, swathed in material.
Guess it's time to diet. Think I'll start tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Let them eat cake

One of the best perks of planning a wedding is getting to taste some mighty yummy cakes. Never walk into a bakery and think you could talk to someone about ordering a wedding cake. Were you born in the dark ages? One must call and make an appointment.
Once the appointment is made, you and your daughter and I suppose anyone else who has a sweet tooth could come to this appointment. Again, the surroundings are beautiful. The table is set with white linen and fabulous looking cakes fill the perimeter. You are seated and handed some books. Flipping through the books and gazing at the photos your heart soars. These are works of art. Then the baker discusses cakes....pound cake, layer cake, cheese cake. Cakes come in different flavors...lemon, vanilla, white chocolate, lavender, carrot and red velvet to name a few. Next come the fillings...hazelnut, mouse, ganache, praline and raspberry. Please. Your mouth starts to water and your imagination runs rampant with possibilities. Fondant or buttercream? Drum roll please. Next come the little white plates. Each one is covered in a wildly delicious confection. Oh it is so hard to decide. Then there is the decoration and the topper. And you thought this would be easy....So you are full and happy and a decision has been made. You are then handed an estimate. I swear it is higher that the cost of my first car. Don't be crass, just write the check.

Wishing and Hoping

My daughter is the first grandchild on my side of the family. She reigns supreme.
Her tiara shines and the entire family thinks she is something of a miracle. Guess
who might have been the one most under her spell? My father. My father loved my
little girl. He loved all of his grandchildren very much. But being the first grandchild, allowed them to spend time together. They went shopping together, they went to the park together, they went to the beach together and they read together. My father died in 1997. This is 2010. I have pretty much handled my grief and gotten on with my life. But I miss my Dad. I want him to know that our baby is getting married. I want him to know that he is missed. He will be missed at her wedding. So....Dad if you are in heaven or space or wherever your spirit is resting, know that I love you and miss you and that our baby is getting married.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Say yes to the dress

Shopping for wedding dresses is fun. The stores are beautiful. The people are nice.
But the hidden secret is, it is a little stressful. Is this the dress? They are all exquisite. Is my taste up to the challenge? In my old age, I tend to like a little bling. Shocking. I know. When I married 30 years ago, I wanted simple and understated. My daughter now wants simple and understated. But honey, this one has
crystals. See how they shine!!!! She doesn't want crystals. Okay. But honey,
this one has seed pearls. You love pearls!! No pearls. Okay. Honey, this one has lots of crinoline. No crinoline. Now at this point, I would sign up for crystals with seed pearls and probably some crinoline. Oh, I forgot....it's not my wedding. Oh honey, look at this one. It has lace. She actually likes the lace. But since she is wearing my veil, the lace doesn't match. Bummer. Who would have thought they would have so many styles? Mermaid is fitted with a flared bottom. My bottom flares enough without having to emphasize the monstrosity. Trashy is trashy. Do you really want to wear a lace up corset looking item for your wedding? I think not. Ballgown...need I say more. Folds and pleats and bows and ribbons and inverted pleats and pockets mixed with any combination of highneck, lowneck, strapless, and sweetheart necklines.... Our heads are swimming. The nice sales girl asks if she would like white, off white (not to be confused with ivory), ivory, cream, blush....you get the idea. It is not as easy as one would think. Just when we think we are about to hone in on the perfect dress, we have to consider the train. These too come is more lengths than you would imagine. The upshot is after visiting three stores, she has finally, happily said yes to her dress. She is a vision. She is beautiful. Does anyone have a tissue?

Monday, August 2, 2010

The List

You should be hearing the sound of some death march at this point. The list. Nothing and I mean nothing about this wedding has been difficult compared to compiling the list. Precious has given us a number. In trying to achieve this number, lots of fighting has occurred. Phones slam, doors slam, crying and gnashing of teeth is commonplace. We have cut cousins, friends, business associates and neighbors. Small and intimate is always nice and in good taste. It is 2010. Everyone has taken a financial hit. But Mom, what about so and so? Well this is HER wedding. She should have HER friends. So the size increases. Your STBSIL has lots of buddies. He wants to invite all of them. It is HIS wedding so he should have HIS friends. So the size increases. STBSIL has parents and they have friends. Of course they should have their friends. The size increases. Are you seeing a growth pattern emerge? We would like to have our friends. We are hosting this shindig. So the size increases. We stay up at night. On the trusty post it notes, we scribble names of people we had overlooked. The next morning we go to the list, scratch off some folks and scribble on more names. It is HARD. If either the bride or groom got sick, would they be willing to donate a kidney? Seriously. It has come to this.
Now it is time to mail the invitations and we are still working on the list. Thursday is the deadline. The list still looms. I think we have done our best. To those of you on the list, about that kidney??????

Money

Pink Floyd and The Beatles all sing songs about money. Liza Minnelli and Joel Grey in Cabaret and Meryl Streep in Mama Mia sing songs about money. Actually, all four of the above, are singing about not having any money. My mother taught me at an early age not to discuss money. It is crass. She also taught me to always tell the truth. I have a theory. When planning a wedding.....Lie. Lie like a rug.
If you ask for a cake to feed 200 people, it is one price. If you say you would like
a wedding cake for 200 people, the price immediately skyrockets. You could feed a small nation for a year for the same price. I'm using the baker as an example but this is true for the florist, the dress, the tents, the entertainment, the invitations, the photographer and transportation. Basically, all aspects of a wedding. Again, Lie. Just tell people you are having a party. You will save thousands. I remember asking a friend about the cost of an item and she said and I quote, "I don't remember. After awhile I had to quit trying to get the best deal because I was making my self sick". Now, I thought she was insane. Of course, you should try to get the best deal. Of course you compare prices. Guess what? She was right. After all is said and done, you just write the check. I just have one more question, do I get a discount for using cash?