Happy Birthday to you

As previously stated, it is fall in the south and the weather is perfect. I started the day be going to a local farmer's market. Everyone was out and about with smiling faces and they had their dogs in tow. Pumpkin bread, root vegetables, ginger cookies, homemade honey,apples, hot tamales, ground feed beef.... What's not to love??? Favorite football team on tv and they won. So far, so good. Here's the deal about getting old. We were invited for dinner at 6:30. Normally, there would be drinking and carrying on until at least 8:30 or 9. Nope, we arrived, had dinner, birthday cupcakes and were home by nine. How sad is that!!! I think I am going to have a party next year. I am going to say...eat before you come, bring your on beverage, don't think about arriving before 9 and see if we can possibly bring ourselves to carry on until say...midnight. I am going to set the date instead of this frantic trying to work around everyone's busy schedule and say...hope you can make it.
Bitch... it's the new,older,wiser me.

Autumn Leaves

You gotta love your yard in October. I have zinnias and camellias blooming at the same time. It is hot during the day, chilly at night. Pumpkins and old Christmas lights
mingle together with the last of the basil. Still thriving...rosemary and mint.
The fig tree had quit producing that most magnificent fruit and now weeks after no figs, there are six more ripe ones waiting to be picked. Leaves are turning into brilliant autumn hues..And the brown ones do a little dance on their way down to the ground for their last hurrah!!! Some people have decorated their yards and homes for Halloween ( my favorite holiday) with witches, tombstones, skeletons, black cats and fake spider webbing. Now in my house, we have real spiders and their webbing. It is everywhere. One day all windows and doorways are clear and the next twice as many webs as the day before... go figure. The sky is blue and the air smells clean. Love a good fall day.

Hoarders

There is a new show on TV called Hoarders. It is FABULOUS!!! So sick and disgusting and I am deathly afraid that I have all the traits. I love a good yard sale. My friends and I go to this show once a month that is two warehouses full of debris.
It is so large that it takes up two sides of the expressway and you get on a bus
to get to the other side. What are we looking for? ....Stuff. We love our purchases and exclaim over them and then try to figure out where in the world we are going to display our new treasures. (I am hoarding.) So now that the wedding is behind me, I need a new project and I thought I'd clean out the attic.
Again, the hoarder in me raises it's ugly head. What is in all those boxes? Dolls.
The original Barbie, Ken and Midge. They can't possibly be worth a plug nickel as they have been played with beyond belief. They were queen and king in my make believe world growing up. I have Madame Alexander dolls, American Girl dolls, dolls from foreign lands, Dorothy, Tin Man, Lion dolls on yellow brick road stands. The hoarder in me can't bear to part with them. I have a huge tub of Beanie Babies. Would I give those to Goodwill? Not on your life. I have a plastic tub of ......you are not going to believe this.....Happy Meal toys. I swear they are cute. Snow white and the 7 dwarfs, Bambi and friends, you name it I have it. There is a container of match box cars, one of plastic dinosaurs, one of Playmobile stuff. There is an entire area devoted to trains. We have track, cars, switches etc. There are containers of vases and I do use them periodically. The worst are the containers of family photos, family bibles, family quilts that my great grandmother made, pillowcases that have been embroidered by great aunt so and so. Please help me.
I can't bear to part with any of it. On the TV show, these people are upset that they are having to part with their junk. My heart breaks for them. I too love to hang on to sentimental items. I have a plastic container of Old Christmas cards because they have the pictures of my friends families as the children grow up.
Love them. I love children's books.....Good night Moon, Miss Rumpheous, Quick as a Cricket, Little Women, Tar Beach, Where the Wild Things are, Polar Expres...get the idea..Still have all of them. So if you have any ideas on how I can part with these, please, please, please let me know. I will say the saying...wait til you move does not get me motivated. I have moved them numerous times. If you need me to help you get rid of things, I am your girl. Just don't think of coming to my house.

Talk, talk, talk

My mother is one of the great talkers of all time. She loves to talk on the phone,
come over and talk and just talk in general. Here is the deal, now in her more mature years, her lips stick together!! No kidding. Her mouth is so dry that her lips stick together. Yesterday, I asked her if she had on a teeth whitening strip as her mouth looked like she had in a retainer. No. My lips are sticking to my teeth. She drinks water and sprays some wetting agent into her mouth but none of the solutions seem to work. When I answer the telephone, I know it is my mom because instead of saying Hello there is a great clearing of the throat. This clearing action can go on for quite some time. I feel sorry for her. God, I hope it's not inherited.....

This land is your land

As I entered the church today, I felt such peace. I loved the music, the flowers, the sermon. This is gay pride week and at our 11:15 service, there is a large portion of the congregation that happens to be gay. It made me thankful that there is a place for everyone to feel welcome, to worship and to be appreciated as part of our community. There seems to be some strange backlash of attitudes in our society. People are ridiculed for their sexual preference, there political stand, the color of their skin. What happened to the greater good for all mankind?? Not so long ago, we lived in midtown. Lots of diversity in midtown. Now we live in an area that is a little more shall we say...conservative. I miss midtown. The urine on the steps...not so much. But the cast of characters was the stuff of legends. Take the man in the pet store. Worth the trip just to have a little chat. Now, I walk by people playing tennis, kids playing football, people on the golf course and it too is glorious just not as colorful.

You work hard for the money

Today was the first Saturday that I have worked since my daughter's wedding. You'd think with both state football teams playing, we'd have nothing to do. You'd be wrong.
Brides and their mothers, brides and their fiances, brides and their best friends steadily marched through the door. I felt a strange sense of calm. I looked in their eyes and saw anxiety. They put a lot of pressure on themselves. As they pick out their china, instead of going with what they love, there is a great concern... What if I don't like it in 20 years? Go with your gut. Get what you love. If you settle and don't love it now, you will never use it I say. They are all endearing. You can almost see what their soon to be husbands love about them. They want their spouses to love their china. Most spouses don't care. The men smile and squirm and look like they would rather be almost anywhere but in the china department of a store on a Saturday in October. We hand out ring cleaner and assure them that their choices are perfect.
Two weeks ago a wedding, today work. What a difference a day makes.

La Boheme

A dear friend of mine called and asked if I'd like tickets to the opera. He was going to be in Dubai...can you imagine. Of course, I'd love the tickets. So I ask Precious if he would like to attend. He said yes. Two hours before the performance, Precious opted out of being my escort. He has done this before. First time...shame on you,
second time...shame on me. Never again. (I'm thinking he's not so Precious at this time). After a quick call to my cousin, all is arranged. We met, have a drink, watch the people come in and enjoy the performance so very, very much. People watching is grand. First dates, young lovers, old lovers, friends. The attire runs the gamut from very formal to blue jeans. I am somewhat envious of those who are enjoying the opera with their spouses. We no longer attend movies, opera, ballet, symphonies or plays together. I love all of the above. Precious doesn't care for any of the above. He likes football games and some concerts. Are we going to face old age alone pursuing our own interests or do we shut up and compromise for the sake of our spouse? I don't know. What I do know is that when I'm in my car, I turn up the volume of my CD of Musetta's Waltz and love every single note.

Soul Sisters

The wedding is over and it was perfect except for my lying, cheating florist. Perhaps you will notice a change in my attitude about him. None of the flowers were what was ordered, candles weren't lit and the ribbon on the bridesmaids bouquets was no where near the color of the dress. As of now, I haven't received a a decent explanation just I'm sorry. The happy couple has returned from their honeymoon and are both back at work. We just moved my mother in law into a one bedroom apartment from a 4 bedroom house and quite frankly, I am a little pooped. Would love to get the wedding gifts to their rightful owner (the happy couple) but space is at a premium in their home. At this juncture, we are just waiting on the photos from my photographer. Here is another shocker, I joined the dreaded facebook. I know, I know....but I wanted to see the photos that people were posting. It is worth it. I don't comment on every little thing as I don't think people care if I need to go to Target. I am still trying to figure out how to use it. Post, comment, profile...I don't know how to do anything with photos and if it weren't for a good friend of my daughters, I wouldn't be on there in the first place. If you think I should continue this blog, please let me know. I don't lead an exciting life and it might bore you to tears...Your thoughts please!!!! Take care and to all you past, present and future MOB's.....Shine that tiara....Wear it proudly....If you get discouraged, know that all of us have walked in your shoes, feel your pain and know that it is a lot like childbirth....you only remember the joy!!!! God Bless.

Make a joyful noise

Part two of the wedding day continues with the recessional from the church. The organist is banging out Toccata by Widor (very loud piece of music), the church bells are ringing and the bagpiper is blowing away. Yeah!!! They are husband and wife and now after some photos, everyone is ready to PARTY. The ballroom is elegant and has white relief like Jasper Wear...you know... an old Wedgwood plate. It is a soft green and is awash in candlelight. Everyone loves the food, the cake, the band.

I must take a moment to brag on my son. He was kind, attentive, handsome and helpful to all of our friends. He is cool under fire and I love him to pieces.

Next we greet everyone and the dancing starts. There was some fabulous dancing going on and someone who will remain nameless asked them to lighten up.????? We were all loving it. This band played Santana, Louis Armstrong, Motown, Lady Gaga, Maroon Five. Call me for referrals. Excellent!!!

Food superb. I didn't eat a bite but that was the word around the room. A southern menu was planned with fried green tomatoes over succatash, barbecue pork on sweet potatoe biscuits, shrimp and grits, lamp chops, tenderloin, salmon. A true sampling of the south's faves...

The cake was decorated in the pattern of my daughters veil. On top rested two of the cutest love birds you've ever seen. They were made out of sugar and the bride bird wore a veil and the groom a bow tie and top hat. The wedding cake was a cheesecake and each layer a different flavor. There was none left....I think they liked it.

So everyone ate and drank and danced and my daughter and now SIL loved every minute.
As the night came to a close, paper cones with their names and wedding date on the inside were filled with rose petals. They were showered and into the limo they went.

I must say my photographer was a gentleman. He, his wife and daughter were unbelievably easy going and they must have been exhausted at the end of the night cause they never sat down. You want a calm photographer. They didn't bark. They were
comforting and wonderful.

My wedding day right hand girl was the best. Loved her to bits. Don't ever let anyone talk you out of it. She pinned on flowers, set up the guest book table, loaded our car with the wedding gifts, leftover food and some flowers. She was so
attentive to the bride and groom and upon their arrival she had a change of shoes,
food and cold drinks for them to enjoy.

We head home. Family comes over and at 2 I think our home was quiet for the first time that day. Was it worth it??? You betcha. Do my feet hurt? You betcha.
Thanks be to God for friends and family and their willingness to gather around and surround the new couple with love and best wishes.

Going to the chapel and I'm gonna get married

This morning has not gone as I envisioned. I was over served last night. I wake up and have had four hours sleep. Beauty requires more hours than that. We have our dog, my son's dog and my daughter's dog at our house to ensure that no one tries to break in and take the wedding gifts. I feel so horrible that I encourage the dogs to get on the bed and feed them the crackers I wish I could stomach. My daughter says there is something wrong with this picture. I am getting you water and crackers and it's my wedding day. I know. I know. Try to rally. I'd do a couple of necessary things like load the guest book and pens and have to rest. This went on for several hours. Sewing kit...check, change of shoes...check..recline. Veil check, dress check....recline. About 10:45 we headed off for our massages. Terrific idea. No kidding. It released the toxins and relaxed my muscles and with the help of the massage and some iced tea....I'm back. Here come's the hairdresser. Next the make up girl arrives. One bridesmaid, then another and another and another. Controlled chaos may be an apt description. Hairdryers are blowing. Pictures are being snapped. Nipple tape???? bosom tape....what???? To say the least, it was a learning experience. Laughter and hugs and laughter. Girls spread out on my bed with their feet elevated because it is almost as good as a nap. My turn... I had to remove make up before I even went downstairs. I looked like I could be the fat lady singing in the opera. The men have all met at a club for food. Upon their return, Precious goes to bed. My son showers and puts on his tux and heads off to manland as our home is pretty much awash in girly, girl activites. Time to wake up Precious and then we really have to make hay. Getting the dress in the car is a feat in itself. We are off. Precious, my daughter and me. Breathe.

We arrive at the church and it is hot and humid. The brides' room is small and crowded and hot. After awhile, I clear the room. Get my daughter with much assistance (those covered buttons are a bear) into the dress. Put on the veil and she heads outside with the photographer. Thank God and I mean really thank you God that I won the wedding planner argument. She takes the guys their flowers and I hand out the girls. We are all a little flustered and I might (most probably) assumed a nazi role. After the photographer finishes, all the girls come inside and cool off.
My angel, saint friend had brought water and sandwiches. Little water and food and great air conditioning and laughter resumes.

At this point, I have no idea what is happening with the men folk. Here comes Precious. There is no button for his tux. Do I have a safety pin? I get one and pin him together and try my best not to claw his face off. Lucky for him the wedding planner comes and says five minutes. I try to stay in the moment. Off we go and there is my handsome son. He has already seated two grandmothers and now gets to seat me. Right when we get ready to head down the aisle the music stops. We wait. Here comes a catchy tune and off we go.

In a few minutes, my STBSIL and his groomsmen all file out behind the priest.
Then Trumpet Voluntary. The bridesmaids come and with great fan fare......the bride.
We all stand. She is beautiful and Precious looks dashing. Their voices were clear, the readings meaningful, the homily perfect, the music oh so beautiful....There was a solo by a 19 year old baritone. We were his first wedding. His voice could blow your skirt up...I pronounce you husband and wife and just like that................
they are married.

There's a tear in my beer

Let's just say that it was grand. A gorgeous room. An open bar. Friends and family who have traipsed across the country to be with your daughter and STBSIL. They serve this bacon that you'd kill for. Beautiful flowers on every table and a slide show. Precious has been a tad bit emotional today anyway. Then they display his baby girl's life on the big screen and I swear at one point, he stood in the room and openly wept. His filter was not working. You know Somewhere over the Rainbow playing and your baby's life in photos on the projector. It was hard on a dad. I had the good sense to quit watching but every now and then, I could feel the now familiar catch in the throat. Dinner was out of this world. Toasts. The best man and maid of honor had props. It was extremely moving. Strong, kind, loyal, tenacious, motivating were among the adjectives most used. This makes a mom very proud. Thank you and good-bye. Oh hell no. We are going to a dive bar. It smells like an ashtray. Most of the clientele look like they are five. I ask for a Savignon Blanc and they are clueless. I was forced to drink vodka. Pink champagne was poured and thankfully my brain said NO NO NO never drink the pink. We head home. I apparently did a load of laundry and removed my contacts. Hello, Betty Ford........

Downtown where all the lights are bright

We live in a huge city. Traffic is awful. Our church is downtown. The rehearsal is at 5:00 on a Friday. Get the picture. Get dressed and get out of your house and pray you are not stuck somewhere. Now we are all together. We pray. I love our priest. He is a no nonsense kinda guy. He's young and has three children and I think we got downright lucky on the rotation. There are two wedding planners. Between the priest and the planners and the wedding party, everyone gets a pretty good idea about what they are supposed to do. This is a brief description of the wedding party. Two greeters, three readers, 8 groomsmen, 4 ushers, 7 bridesmaids, 2 grandmothers, 2 sets of parents and one bride and groom. We are a large and unruly mass of humanity. There has been some uncertainty about the time we can get into the church tomorrow. Onto more important issues...the rehearsal dinner. We prepare to go across town.

We gather together

It's 2AM after the wedding. I am going to back track. The bridesmaids' luncheon.
You gather together your daughter, your mom, your sister in law, your niece, two of your very best friends and your daughters friends, your STBSIL's mom and grandmother and mix it all together with a place of great nostalgia and some of the best chicken salad in the world.....Voila...It's a moment. A moment embedded in your heart that you will always, always be thankful for. We toasted my daughter and each told something special about her. My filter didn't work. I was a mess. My favorite moment...the day she was born and every day since. Her friends are so kind and loving. They are old friends in their young lives. Her maid of honor she's known since she was four and the most of the other girls since she was in 6th grade. Now that's saying something. I say that because I have my core group. My grade school friends, my high school friends, my college friends and my adult friends. I am thankful for girlfriends. They are strong and soft and get you through your bad days. I am thankful for my mother teaching me about the value of friendship. I am thankful for my daughter and showing me that she too values the girls she holds most dear to her heart. I am sounding redundant but Thank you God. Thank you Jesus. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Our lives are blessed.

Ghost busters

Rise and shine and give God your Glory, Glory. So I head to pick up the dress in the gigantic vehicle. I get there and I swear the dress is wrinkled. You don't want to know what I paid to have the dress pressed. The people assure me this fabric doesn't
iron out well. Now, if I were a dress designer, I would only design dresses out of fabric that looks together. After some steaming, the nice tall man who is over 6 feet tall places it in the car. I get home and realize that I am a foot shorter than he and none of the moldings over the doors are tall enough. It comes to me to haul this sucker up the stairs and rig it over the banister. That way the thing can hang two stories. Then I take rubber bands and weave them around the hangers and loop it around one of the posts. This was a precautionary step should (heaven forbid) the dress fall down.It looks like the ghost of weddings past floating around like that. Kind of eerie. Next I head to the hairdresser for a run through on my hairdo. Queen Victoria had nothing on me. Off to the grocery store as the family is coming for dinner. My daughter and I head off to get a mani/pedi and it was the highlight of my week. Upon our return my STBSIL, my son, my brother in law and his girlfriend, my daughter and a friend all sit around and have a cocktail. Off the young folks go and I set the table and thaw the frozen dinner. Prior to this shendig, how did I ever fill my days?

Tara's theme

Lawdy Miss Scarlett, I don't know nothing about birthin babies. Well neither do I.
You'd think after nine months of planning all questions would be answered, but NO.
My email is full. My cell phone has more messages than Carter has liver pills and
each call is interrupted by another call. I worked today and will tomorrow. Taking the dogs to the groomers. Delivering a gift. Returning clothes to the store because on Wednesday and only on Wednesday do you get an extra 20% off. I think this must be the labor portion. Like Prissy, I find my self throwing my hands in the air, swirling my skirt and singing under my breath. I am not going to worry about that now as tomorrow is another day. Truly my mind has Gone with the Wind.

I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair

Terrific things happen when you old. You get wiser. You have a cleansing. You really only do things that you want to do with people you want to be with. No more obligatory junk. You don't sweat the small stuff and if you do, you don't remember it the next day. Some not so great things also happen when you get old. The neck. That thing flapping in the breeze .....oh my God...it's my arm. Hair. Gray hair emerges. I'm not talking about just on your head. Eyebrows, eyelashes and other unmentionables. But strange hairs appear. Before you see them or any of your friends have the guts to mention, uh I think there is a 4 inch long hair on the side of your neck. Run to the mirror with tweezers and pluck that sucker out. Here is a great fear of mine. What if I'm laid up in the hospital? If you are true friend, you will promise to survey the landscape and take whatever measures you deem necessary to make me presentable to others. Friends wax and pluck and shave. Waxing is great if you want to have skin that looks like a red hot tamale for 4 days. Plucking...immediate but painful. Also, more time consuming. Shaving. Dermatologists say all women should shave their faces. This would mean commitment daily. I'm not so good at anything that absolutely, positively must be done every single day for the rest of my life. When did I (the girliest of girly girls) have to worry about looking like a man????

Fairest Lord Jesus

Thank you Jesus. Today the time of the college football game has been announced.....
it is at Noon. Thank you Jesus. The sun is shining, the sky is blue and all is right with the world!!! Our florist came by to show us the linens and they were fabulous. Thank you Jesus. He left us some beautiful flowers. Normally he takes them to the nursing home but he said we looked like we could use them??? My mother brought over champagne so we spent the afternoon drinking all of it plus some that I had on hand and showing all the magnificent gifts to friends that dropped by. It was casual, relaxing and fun. Thank you Jesus. Precious made a pot of chili so I didn't have to cook dinner. Thank you Jesus. My daughter is tucked in her bed getting her beauty sleep and I pray she feels the love. I do. I am humbled and grateful. Thank you Jesus.

Fruit of the vine

A friend of mine gave me the name of a wedding planner. Up until now we haven't met.
As a matter of fact, I haven't had a conversation with her in about 4 months. So I place the call. This poor lady had her wedding book stolen. This held information on all her upcoming weddings. Needless to say, she was happy to hear from me. We met over coffee and she was just perfect. Adorable, kind, easy going. Glad I made that call and handed over wedding day responsibilities to her. Then I spent an hour at the car wash. No joke. One hour. They did a great job but it is hard to make a silk purse out of a sows ear. So off to the liquor store I go. I have a card that supposedly gives me discounts. I don't think I have ever purchased one of those discounted items. The bottles I buy all seem to be full price. Desperate times call for desperate measures. We need alcoholic beverages. I get my handy dandy shopping cart (scary) and commence. Vodka, bourbon rum . Rum is too high. Next to the beer. Beer. Now to my area of the store.....wine... So I peruse and purchase and go home to fill my refrigerator. During these last few weeks, it seems to me that what once was normally consumed in a week, is somehow disappearing in an evening. Thus the puffiness. Okay, so time to get the dress. My daughter, one of her bridesmaids and I head to the dressmaker. The dress is a wrinkled mess. Oh you want the press package she asks. No I would like my daughter to walk down the aisle in something that looks like she has slept in it for a week. That will cost......Another add on...
We head home with no wedding dress. Where is that wine??????

Working at the carwash

So today we are picking up the dress. That would be the wedding dress. I hope the motorcade has the street blocked and the police lead the way...just kidding... The alterations lady did suggest we pick it up in a van or SUV or ATV or whatever. Guess what this involves???? Getting the monster cleaned. This vehicle belongs to Precious. Precious is anti-littering and apparently anti throwing anything away. This heap hauls grass, plants, tools and boating paraphernalia. This boating equipment involves ski vests, gloves, shoes, wrenches, oil and other items that I can't name. This car has hauled the dogs and that means lots of hair. It is old, dirty, greasy and full of take out coffee cups, straws, and wrappers. The back window has quit working. He keeps a knife on the front seat to open the passenger side door. So now it is time to pick up this most marvelous garment. Guess I'll be heading to the car wash.

You are woman, I am man

It is nine days before the wedding. I ask Precious if his clothes are in order and should we go look for shirt, tie, studs etc. His response, well I haven't thought about it. After some grumbling, he digs into his closet and emerges with several shirts. Most are different neck sizes. This one is fine he declares. I offer to take it to the cleaners to get it pressed. He shrugs and says ok. Hello. You might like to get it together for your daughter's wedding!!! I think about my son at college. He loves the ladies and they love him. They are clean, their clothes are clean and their hair has been coiffed. He probably showered, found clothes from some pile, brushed his teeth and left. If men only had a clue. Ladies like to preen. We think about the occasion and what we should wear. Men...not so much. I think of the day after my daughter was born. I was in the hospital requiring a third epidural as the first one had gone to deep. Your spinal fluid leaks out and your brain rubs against your skull.
You get a slight headache. They fix this by giving you another epidural.. Where was Precious? On the golf course handing out cigars. This pretty much sums up the difference.....Men are from Mars.

Fine, fine, fine....

Weird feelings are erupting with very little warning. The other day my daughter and I had exchanged what seemed like a thousand phone calls. About phone call number 615, I got her voice mail. When she said her name, I immediately got teary. Only 10 more days, and she will never use our name again. I know CRAZY. But true. The florist wants to set up a prototype of the flowers. My family wants to come see the wedding presents. My daughter wants shoes to change into that are good for dancing. My son....well I haven't heard from him and that scares the bejesus out of me. Friends think we should go out to dinner. The hotel wants an itinerary of the weekend events. Still waiting on response cards. I run into people constantly that I wish we could have included. My mother wants to discuss her upcoming ensembles for the wedding. I have signed up to go to work two days next week, may have to rethink that schedule. The refrigerator is on the frits. The air filtration system light in my car has come on. I need new tires. Some members of the family want a limo. Precious wants me to have his car cleaned. He is an extremely busy man. Questions that keep me from sleeping.... Have you had all your shots to go out of the country? Does my STBSIL have your passport? Do you know what you are taking on your honeymoon? When are you going to get your nails done? Have your hives receded? have you sent the list of songs to the band? Does the band, florist, caterer and cake guy along with all guests know about the street closings? What time do we need to be at the church for the rehearsal? What time can we get into the church for the wedding?
Have I informed the photographer about all the photos we want? But we are fine. Just fine.

Car 54 where are you?

Another professional needs to come on board. The make up artist. Now I am a middle aged woman who has been applying make up for more years than I can count. My daughter has been applying make up for at least the last 10 years. So why do we need an artist? I know I need one. Hell it would take a plastic surgeon, a sculptor and a make up artist to help me but not my daughter. I am biased. She is beautiful. Her skin truly is flawless. It was not inherited from me or my side of the family. So I think it is a crime to cover her face with cover up. But, to be a good sport, we head off to a recommended professional. First, her house was in Simbabwe. No joke. Then as we were closing in on the home stretch, the blue lights start flashing and they are behind my car. I pull over and am informed that I was going 53 in a 35MPH zone. Thankfully the officer took pity on me being lost and all and gave me a warning. Four phone calls to ask for more explicit directions ( NEVER trust a GPS) to this lady's house later, we arrive. We go to her bathroom and the applications begin. So the first comment I made was, you look green. Then the make up is too thick. Then what is with those cat eyes? And finally, the lips need a little more color. She looked gorgeous when we left but I thought she looked gorgeous when we arrived. The old hag in the mirror, got NO help. No trial run. Still looked old and dried out with bags under my eyes for the ride home. Where is the natural look?
When did we embrace the movie star in us all? Where is my trailer?

Every party has a pooper that's why we invited you

Wedding planners. This can all be attributed to Hollywood. Think "Father of the Bride". Who wouldn't love a wedding planner like that? Now wedding planners are all the rage. Some charge exorbitant prices. They tell you who to call for bands, cakes, photographers etc.. Some are just there for the day of the wedding. My friends who have been through this say it is like taking a baby to the party and trying to have a good time or getting a babysitter for the baby. Baby sitter wins hands down. Precious
thinks we are nuts. He doesn't want a middle man. He thinks if I can't figure out when to cut the cake then I possibly might be overserved. Wedding planners on the day of the wedding can have a variety of jobs. They come with needle, thread and an emergency kit to make sure everyone is all buttoned up properly. Then they head to the reception to make sure everything is in the correct place. They feed the bride and groom. They corner the photographer for photos. They pay vendors. They load gifts
(why do people bring gifts to weddings???) into cars. They say it is time for your first dance, time to cut the cake and time to leave. I love handing over responsibility. Precious does not. If you see a line drawn in the sand, get out of the way.

Lady in red

My sweet friend's mom died. The funeral was today. After the service, we all gathered at her sister's house. It is sad to say good-bye to the people who helped raise us. We reconnect and it is good to see these folks. It has been ages since I had laid eyes on some of them. Hugs and stories all around. These stories led to tales of one of the guests' dates at a wedding the previous weekend. To protect the innocent, let's just call her the wedding crasher. Apparently, she had a great figure and loved, loved, loved to dance. Her dress was red and her underwear black as everyone can attest to. Part of her dance moves including lifting the dress. Her dance partners were young and old and all of them were thrilled. Another guest at the wedding, has family members in law enforcement. She positioned the wedding crashers arms into a position that was not threatening but quite effective and steered her into some other direction when things got out of control. Additional entertainment didn't cost a penny more. So there you have it in a nutshell. You try to throw a classy affair and not your guest, but your guest's date is a real doozy. Thank you for coming.

These boots are made for walking

Next on the list of mandatory must haves for the wedding are shoes. The new trend today is for brides to wear colored shoes. You think I'm kidding. Just look in any bridal magazine. They look great. Red, purple or blue and all of them and I mean all of them have high heels. When I was a young girl, there was this material called peau de soie. You would take your fabric swatch and your pair of peau de soie shoes to the shoe guy and he would dye your shoe to match the fabric. You wanted to do this way in advance of the occasion so the shoes would have plenty of time to dry. Once, I was at my junior-senior and had my shoes dyed a lovely kelly green to match my dress. My boyfriend took me to this very upscale club for dinner. After dinner, we were walking to the car and I noticed that my shoes had these red clumps all over them. Pieces of carpet were adhered to my shoes. This was not really the look that I was going for. I was discreetly rubbing my feet together but alas, the little fur balls were attached with what appeared to be super glue. Thus, my shoe dyeing days came to an abrupt stop. Sorry, I got side tracked but as you can tell it was a traumatic event. So now we would all like to look nice but once again that old comfort issue rears it's ugly head. I have a bunion. Regular shoes hurt much less dressy shoes. The other issue is that not only do I need shoes but the entire family needs shoes. We need shoes for the rehearsal dinner and the wedding. For my daughter and I, this will be like a please don't throw us in the briar patch moment. For Precious and my son, not so much. It is now football season. We now interrupt this game for a little excursion known as shoe shopping.....Watch out cause these boots are gonna walk all over you.......

Got no diamonds, got no pearls

Jewelry. All women love jewels. Some of us more than others. It is now time to figure out the wedding jewelry. I would like my jewelry to lift the eyes up(off the butt area) and to the face. Doesn't that sound lovely? Here's the problem, my neck.
The damn thing looks like crepe paper. Then the base is surrounded by rings of creases and then the decolletage is more crepe paper. I should have bought a turtleneck. I have tried the always perfect pearl. It seems matronly. This is a big dilemma as pearls are one of my all time faves. I wear them all the time. They brighten old skin. I have tried lots of combos. Small necklace with big earrings. Small earrings with big necklace. I have tried no necklace. Some earrings vanish into my hair. Where do they go? I have asked friends and family for their opinions. Precious says that's nice to anything and never raises his head. I could have giant watermelons hanging from my ears and I don't think he would notice. Now my daughter, she has her own ideas. She needs the something blue in the something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue vernacular. She thinks a something blue piece of jewelry would be perfect. Who wouldn't???? Sapphires come to mind as do tanzanite, topaz and iolite to name a few gorgeous blue stones. My mother has offered her items, I have offered her items but she has a vision. Together, we are working on this. I can't think of another subject that is so much fun to delve into.

Crazy

We have been had. People in the wedding industry have created more unnecessary
ideas and have made us feel like we are inadequate and improper if we don't buy into their scheme. I am on a crusade. Let's go back to basics and rid these poor brides and their families of these gimmicks once and for all. First, Save the Dates. Total
BS. Friends and family and people that are close to you will know about the wedding and mark it on their blackberry or calendar if it is important to them. My daughter and her entire generation LOVE save the dates. They think they set the stage for the entire wedding. Everybody sends them. Well if Jim jumps off the roof of a building, does that mean you are going to jump off the roof of a building? I think they are a total rip off. Second, A groom's cake. When did that become mandatory? Football stadiums, cars, golf bags and school mascots are all very creative. Who eats two slices of cake after a night of drinking? Nobody. So is the cake mandatory? I think not. Third, Props for the reception. Sunglasses and boas and walking canes and flip flops are fun. They make the pictures look cute. But is it necessary? NO. Last but not least, is the idea that we must hand out favors to all the guests. Personalized cookies, doughnuts, sachet are a few that I have received. If food and drink and bands are not enough to say thank you, we love you and we are honored by your presence, we are in serious trouble. There this is definite proof that I am losing it. I just think we need to realize that enough is enough. So that is my soapbox for today. God bless and thank you very much.

Time in a Bottle

Guests don't use a guest book to sign in at a wedding reception anymore. Remember those
white leather books that were embossed in gold? You opened them up and the paper was lined like a school writing pad. Totally passe. Today couples are much more creative. They have goldfish bowls, birdcages, coffee table books, shells and stones. Sometimes guests are to write their messages to the bride in groom on the shells or stones and they are all gathered into a beautiful jar for the newlyweds' home. We would have to rent a crane to move the jar but it is a lovely thought. My daughter and STBSIL have opted for the book. They want a book that features the lake where they were both camp counselors. It doesn't exist. One has not been published. The college themed book is out of the question as they didn't attend the same school. Also, the institutions of higher learning for my STBSIL and Precious are arch rivals so one of them would be upset. Clever people make books online out of photos. So we are back to square one. I'd do one about my favorite vacation spot but I'd have to divulge where that would be and then I'd have to kill you. Maybe a stroke of genius will strike....any ideas?

Get R Done

After a night of not sleeping, I took an Advil PM. At midnight. At 8:00 this morning, the phone starts ringing. I make coffee and sit at the computer and swear I spent
the majority of the day there. First the call from the church. Are you sitting down?
My sweet buddy forwarded me the list of streets that will be closed on the wedding day for a music festival. She just wanted me to know. They only expect about 30,000-40,000 people. Good news is the dirt that has recently been in the church parking lot is gone. The dressmaker called and we need to come in for another fitting. The cake guy called and can't find the photo of what is supposed to be the topper. My friend at work calls and we space and format and go over the program before being sent to the printer. My mother comes over and rearranges the display of wedding gifts. I make pimento cheese for a friend whose mother is sick. Washed four loads of laundry. Cleaned three bathrooms. Dusted most of downstairs. Precious just called and wants to know what's for dinner. Added 10 more yes people to the guest list. Just another day in paradise.

My Girl

One afternoon sitting on the beach, we were discussing the perfect song for the father-daughter dance. These can reduce a stoic drill sergeant to tears. Lots of options were tossed about. However, Precious is definitely weighing in. The song must have a good tempo. He likes John Prine. I do too...just not for the wedding. His idea is too be dancing with our daughter to "Can I go all the way with you" ....not kidding and have my STBSIL break in. Does this give you any idea of what I'm up against? Both my daughter and Precious want something unique. "My Girl" is out of the question. If I make a suggestion, I am being dogmatic. What the Hell... All I know is we have a band that plays beach music and I don't think country western songs are on their playlist.

Summertime

Hey Ya'll: I have been at my most favorite spot in the whole wide world. Truth is my
world was beginning to seem a little frenzied. Now I have walked on the beach, read books, slept, stared at the ever changing colors of the marsh, visited with old friends, and last but not least I have been body surfing. Shocking!!!! I know....Someone of my size and age. But I love to ride waves. There is a hurricane brewing off the east coast. This caused quite a bit of turbulence in the ocean. I love that. So, off I headed into the surf with my skirted bathing suit on. The water was so rough, that my skirt got wadded up and stretched to my ankles. I looked like something from the 1800's instead of 2010. It was immediately pitched. Next day, the sun rises, the ocean calls and I don my second bathing suit. This suit has hardware holding up the front and the back. Again, headlong into my fifth or sixth wave....POP.... Bathing suit number two has bitten the dust. It was immediately pitched. So, on my final day, I had to dig deep into my luggage. Thankfully, I had packed an oldie goldie. Unfortunately, this bathing suit is losing it's elastic. Not good. No elastic and the legs ride up to expose my buttocks. I keep covered up until I can't stand it anymore. Great abandon occurs when I am riding waves. Your body is flung around in such a topsy turvy manner that you don't know which end is up much less trying to complete a thought except maybe...Please God, don't let a shark think I am a seal or some other tasty morsel. When I am in the ocean, I feel weightless and carefree until something rubs against my leg or nibbles on my toe. Scary! I hate it when I am swimming and the guy on the beach next to me decides to fish. Hugh lines, lots of bait. I know I taste better than a mullet. Anyway, at the end of the day, we had great dinners. Drank lots of wine. Watching the moon rise and the stars come out is one of God's best miracles. To end the day, we got into a name calling all out war game of spades. The first two nights Precious and company won but the second two nights....the ladies were victorious. My friends are generous to a fault. They healed me. I am thankful for good friends, good wine, good food, sleep and incredible beaches.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Every week when you go to church they hand you a bulletin. This bulletin gives you the order of the service, the readings and the gospel (and they are all spelled out). It gives you the songs (and all the words) that you will be singing. It then tells you about births, deaths, illness and birthdays. Next it gives the upcoming lineup for Sunday School, reading groups, foyer groups, mothers groups and Bible Study. You get the idea. It is a T-O-N of work. They do this every week!!!! For the past few days, I have been gathering info to put in the wedding program. Sounds simple..I know. The couple has to pick out the readings (1st and 2nd). They pick out the gospel. They pick out the songs for the Prelude, Processional and Recessional. The program needs to list names of the entire wedding party. It needs to list memorials. It lists the happy couple's new address. It is a T-O-N of work. Once the spelling of everyone's name is down pat, you have to lay the sucker out. Now I have a gifted and talented friend at work who is doing this for me. She is a saint and has the patience of Job. After the first few lines, I needed a big ole aspirin and was ready to call it quits. We worked on this for several hours. We were at work and therefore customers rudely interrupted us by needing our help. You'd think they could see we were busy but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. We completed the first page. No joke. The first page. Now I am heading out of town and the program is nowhere near ready for print. Please....Next I may have to pay a "rush" fee to guarantee their arrival before the wedding. Those weekly bulletins at church are much longer and much more involved than mine. I have a new found R-E-S-P-E-C-T for the poor soul who's job it is to produce them. They need to be laminated and published and passed down from generation to generation. Meanwhile, back on page two..........

Tradition

In the south, we have lots of wonderful traditions. We say yes Ma'am and yes Sir to all people older than we are. Small children will call you Miss (whatever your name is)i.e. Miss Carol or Mr. John. We say things like Bless Your Little Pea Picking Heart. This saying is sometimes full of sympathy and sometimes not so much...a tiny bit derogatory. We make long sentences out of one syllable words..... HEYYYYYYY or NOOOOOOOOOOO. We put peanuts in our Coca Colas. We wear our pearls daily. We garden and can and then mid-winter try to figure out what is in all those canning jars. We enjoy lots of pickled items...pickled beets, pickled okra, pickled peaches and pickled pigs feet. But one of our more genteel traditions is to display wedding gifts. We dig out our white tablecloths that have been passed down for generations. Our great-grandmothers either embroidered or did cut work on these beauties. Shockingly, these delicate babies can have stains on them since they haven't seen the light of day in 20 years. We soak them in clorox or lemon juice and hang them in the sun. We wash and iron them and act like we use these on a daily basis. Once the tables are covered, we display the wedding gifts. Linens go in one area, formal items are on the sideboard, the back table is full of everyday china, mixers, bowls and grill pans. Every bride will receive a token strange gift. Mine was a mushroom log. I swear on a stack of bibles this is true.
Nonetheless, the item will be displayed like it was part of the queen's crown jewels. The decorator in all of us emerges. I display the items and Precious rearranges. Thank you notes will soon be in the mail. Tradition.

Whata ya have?

When you are getting ready to "give away" your daughter, you need your family around you. Now, I would never give my daughter away. That is just marriage vernacular. But I am entering a new phase...So my dear family...my mother and her husband, my brothers and their wives, and my cousins gathered around and gave my daughter and my STBSIL an around the house shower and they provided a catered dinner. The yard was manicured, outdoor furniture was cleaned off and pillows were plumped. Now it is August and it is summertime and it is hot and humid. This is the perfect formula for a thunder boomer. And did it ever!!! Rained cats and dogs. This just added to the fun. There is a dining establishment in our city that is an institution. It serves greasy chili dogs, onion rings and fries. This institution's truck was parked in my brother's driveway. His carport was full of wine and beer and when you got hungry, you just got an umbrella, walked up to this truck and placed your order....How AWESOME is that!!!???? If you were not raised on this fine cuisine, it could make you a smidge sick...all that grease and all. However, my entire family has been consuming these tantalizing food choices for generations. We dig it!!!We were all a little sweaty and a little greasy. At an appointed hour, we all came inside and watched my daughter and STBSIL open their gifts. They got great booty. We had so much fun. My cousin made sounds like a bagpipe and I sang along to Amazing Grace. I think we could be on America's Got Talent. We all like each other and we like the happy couple's friends. They are full of stories that I can laugh at now...wouldn't have been able to work up a smile several years ago. I am so very, very thankful for my family. I am thankful for the gift of laughter. I am thankful that a little rain doesn't dampen our spirits. I am thankful that my daughter and STBSIL are loved. I pray they will have a strong and happy union.

Just the facts ma'am

First: My mother and her husband are home from FL. Thanks be to God.
Second: Lots and I mean lots of my friends have responded to the issue of under armor
and have advised against it. All said be comfortable and not worry.
I may look like Sponge Bob Square Pants but I will be comfortable and
I'd rather have a great looking pair of shoes than a bra any day.
Third: I heard way more about the bachelorette weekend than I think I needed to.
Bathtubs and bruises and boobs and bbc's were all discussed.
Fourth: Cake flavors have been chosen!!
Fifth: Linens have been chosen!!!
Sixth: I am going to the beach for six whole days....actually four as two are travel.

Tits and ass

Damn....I woke up and don't have the body of Kate Moss. After consuming some coffee, showering, and paying more attention than usual to my shaving routine as body parts will be exposed, I head to the store. Numerous people have told me this salesgirl is a magician and will find undergarments to assist you in obtaining an hourglass figure. So I'm standing in front of a 3 way mirror in my underwear. It is humiliating. Next she measures me and says that I have a pear shape. Have I traipsed over here to hear that breaking news? I have known since I was 13 that I have a pear shaped body. Then she leaves me and my exposed body and the 3 way alone in the dressing room. How low can I go ??? After awhile, she comes in with bras, panties, bodysuits etc... You now remove your bra and lean over. Seriously. The entire time she is talking about the girls (which look like a couple of old women to me). She continues with this... we need to let gravity work....She's lucky I didn't slap her. She harnesses the beasts, adjusts straps and says there!! So with the top half taken care of, she gently suggests a body suit. It is like being molded into a sausage casing. Just getting the contraption on, caused me to sweat. She's not sure this will work with the dress. After catching my breath, I remove the torturous device. The end of this woeful tale is that I spent an obscene amount of money. Her closing words to me were, try them on with the dress and return the ones that don't work. I'm not really sure when I can muster up that type of energy again. There is also a voice in my head saying, it is going to be a long day. You will need to be comfortable not hot and contorted. Should my strength and resolve to try them on with the dress return, I will get my daughter to see if she sees a difference. I can tell you this, it will have to be a very dramatic change. Maybe, I can pray a little harder. Dear God.......

Man in the Mirror

If you are crazy enough to use this as a learning tool, watch out for the unexpected.
We have a ballroom for the reception. It has tables. It does not have linens. Linens are an upgrade. It has chairs. Ugly chairs. Nice chairs are an upgrade. It has parking but not complimentary parking. But for a small fee....... When this space was reserved, there was no college football game scheduled. Guess what? There is now.
There was no city festival scheduled. Guess what? There is now. The lovely city in which we reside, has decided to not only have a festival but close off the street just at the intersection of the reception site. These are NOT worry lines on my face. They just look to you like worry lines. Don't fret, I never pass in front of a mirror.

Desperado

We're getting down to the wire. Five weeks away. Where did the time go? I still haven't lost weight. I still haven't been to the eye doctor for new contacts. The facials that I was going to schedule, have been preempted by other expenses. I look like Sponge Bob Square Pants. Not kidding, a perfect square with tri-focals. I need a miracle. If I wake up tomorrow and have the body of Kate Moss, then my prayers have been answered. If not, it's off to the foundations department I go. Never, ever did I think I would visit the foundations department. But this is what I need. My boobs need to be lifted. My waist needs to be cinched. My butt needs to look teeny, tiny and my arms need to be strong, taut, willowy appendages. For this armor, I am willing to pay big bucks. Not looking forward to it but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. Will let you know how it goes.....

Wild Thing

My son has a wild side. He has and does test every limit. Lots of my gray hair, I attribute to him. People tell me he's funny. Other mothers tell me what a help he is around their homes. People tell me they LOVE him. I love him too. He is a terrific person. I drive him crazy and may I add, vice versa. Anyway, my son and I head off together in search of the items he will need to wear for the wedding. Upon entering the store, the salesman looks at my post-it note. He sees my list. It takes him several tries to get the jacket right because my son has very broad shoulders. Next thing you know, they head to the dressing room. After a while my baby boy emerges. He is dressed to the nines. He takes my breath away. You're looking good!!! He smiles. He knows it. Then after the markings for alterations have been made, we head home. He complains about my driving, the songs on the radio, and for a real shocker...his lack of money. He has accepted that fact that my human ATM days are over, but you gotta hand it to him for trying. My question is: when did that wild child turn into such a handsome man???

This one's for the girls......

I had been at my job about 6 months when it was time for my first review. My boss
kept saying we were one big family. In my head I was thinking, not my family. In fact, I despised the job. The job description involved sweeping and dusting and wiping down counter tops. It involved emptying trash. It was hot. My desk is wedged between the bathroom and the copier. Cramped...did I say hot??? There was a lot to learn and we were busy. Think back, four years ago....you had a little pocket change. Now, I have a limited understanding about china, crystal, pewter, and the monster in the room....the computer. We have endured death, divorce, boyfriends, illness,engagements and pregnancy. We have each others' backs. We share stories, food, tears and laughter. At Christmas, we gather and sing Christmas carols and put on a very amateur performance of some kind. We drape ourselves in bows and ribbons and hats and actually pretend like we are on Broadway. We make fools of ourselves because our boss, the lady we love, loves it. So a toast to you sweet girls, I love each and everyone of you. My boss was right, we are like family.....Oh yea, I've put a fan under my desk. It blows up my skirt all day, thus the smile.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word

I am sorry. I am sorry that I went a little off. So sorry, sorry, sorry. The sad thing about fights is that it really takes it out of a girl. Somehow my heart is just not in it anymore. Pray that the joy returns. The upside is Precious and my daughter are speaking to me again. Wonder what they need? Tuxedo from the dry cleaners, pick up the bridesmaid's gifts, dinner?????

It's five o'clock somewhere

Well now I've done it. My daughter is mad at me. Precious is mad at me. I am mad at others that I dare not mention. White hot mad. I would like a drink. Actually, I would like lots of drinks. Lots and Lots and Lots of drinks. Then maybe I would be calm. Maybe I would sleep. Maybe I would quit crying. Now in perspective, it is a tiny issue. It's not cancer or death or jail. But it is real and it hurts. People are rude. Their rudeness puts us in an awkward position. I just don't get it. I'd love to stay and rant but right now, I am going to fix a big ole drink.

Please Mr. Postman...

Checking my mailbox is the most excitement I've had in years. Everyday, envelopes are addressed to me!!! They are not bills...Yea!!! They are the response cards. These cards are in my physical mailbox. You know, the one by the street, next to our driveway. I open the front of the mailbox like a gift. It's the little things in life that make me happy. In an effort to get organized, I alphabetized the guests' names in my notebook. That would be a spiral bound notebook not an Ipad notebook. Then I alphabetize the days' responses and check them against the name in my book. Next, I put the alphabetized response cards in a box as some people write clever remarks on them and my daughter may want to read them someday. Now maybe this is not the most efficient way to organize, but it works for me. It never goes down. Experts tell you that a certain percentage of the invitees will say they will not be able to attend. I counted on that percentage. Only ONE "no" so far. This could take Precious out.

Oh the times, they are a changing....

T. Rex was my neighbor. When we were all getting married, only guys had a bachelor party. This party lasted one night and according to Websters' was "an evening of debauchery". Sometimes the guys got a smidge out of control, tickets were issued
cars were lost and the groom to be came home tipsy. Now however, the groom has his bachelor party and the bride has a bachelorette party. Both functions can take days. Travel is no problem...New Orleans, Las Vegas, New York. Go figure... So all the bridesmaids head to the beach for a weekend of fun in the sun..Not so fast.....
Prior to the girls departure, the maid of honor and another bridesmaid decided to
visit a store with "adult" toys. They head into the store mid morning of a work day.
They are the only car in the parking lot. Much to their dismay, when they open the door, the place is teaming with customers. This place has an underground parking lot so decent people won't see your car!!!! The clerk behind the counter says, let me guess..bachelorette party. Who would have thunk it??? They were nailed. As they moseyed around the store, they got quite an education. They purchased one cake pan in the shape of a penis....thankfully I was not told about other "goodies" they bought and they left the store. By all accounts, the chicks had a great weekend...I pray they are discreet when it comes to that arch enemy of mine....facebook. Please don't tell me if you see any pictures.

Wonderwoman

My mother married a wonderful man three years ago. They are happy as two peas in a pod. They listen to Clark Howard. Clark Howard said that real estate in Melbourne, FL was a good buy. So as not to let anyone else get the better deal, they scooted right on down to Melbourne. Have you ever heard of Melbourne? It is on the Atlantic, south of Cape Canaveral and north of Vero Beach. They bought an oceanfront condo. They packed a few belongings and headed south. One week after their purchase, mom's husband had a stroke. Now my mom is in great health. But...this is a new city, she doesn't have the phone hooked up. Her support system is not in place. But by golly she masters it. After 4 days, he is moved from the hospital to a rehabilitation center. She visits everyday. Does the laundry. Receives guests...his kids, my brother, me. He is making great progress. Now he is back at the condo. She takes him to rehab 3 times a week. She knows where the hospital, the airport, the rehab center, Target and Publix are located. She has even done a little decorating in her spare time. She goes to the beach everyday and checks on the sea turtles. When I was there, we saw the turtle tracks and nests. We even saw a gull with a baby turtle in it's peak. She takes her beach chair and beer and has a little cocktail hour on the beach. She paints. She is remarkable and her husband is lucky to have her in his corner. We all are...she's my hero...... Wonderwoman.

Make new friends but keep the old

This entire wedding experience is humbling. The generosity of friends is incredible.
A group of my dear friends gave our daughter a shower. It was perfect. I have known some of them since grade school, some since high school and one since college. Just walking in the door made me weepy. There was a beautiful basket of flowers on the front door. Linens had been pressed, furniture had been dusted, gardens had been raided all in honor of my bride to be. Iced tea (the house wine of the south) and prosecco was passed around. Then one of these angels gave the blessing. I swear I didn't know she had it in her. Now I really was a mess. The food at the luncheon was so delicious that you would swear Julia Child was in the kitchen. Then gifts were opened and everyone was exclaiming. Now at some point, another one of these angels decided to pass around her homemade shortbread. Need I say more??Homemade!!! Unfortunately, the tray tilted and some of the shortbread ended up on the floor. So we scrambled to pick them up and declared the 10 second rule was in effect. You do know the 10 second rule??? Now my STBSIL's mother did have the tiniest angst on her face as several of us popped the shortbread in our mouths and sighed in pure joy. Not to worry, she'll get used to us. So all in all it was very, very, very special. Am I lucky or what??????

Where have all the flowers gone????

As previously stated, I work in retail with lots of brides. The benefit of this for me was getting great references. If my friends thought the vendor did a great job, was easy to work with and had a fair price, that was endorsement enough. They were hired. The florist was one recommended. Now, I love flowers so to me this was one of the more important aspects of the wedding. For some people it's the dress, some the cake but for me it's definitely the flowers. So these guys had me hooked from the beginning. First, they had two dogs and were getting a third. This elevates them to extreme heights in my mind. Second, they were all in with the more is more theory. Third, when my daughter wanted simple and I want crystals and rhinestones and feathers and peacocks and flowers on every surface, they didn't cringe. In fact, they gave me a great big hot pink feather. This feather holds a prominent spot in my parlor. So now I love them. Love, love, love them. They allow me to show them pictures in books and magazines that I admire. They don't seem to mind if I call them once a week with a new thought. Every month we make a little payment towards the flowers...kinda like layaway....sad, but true. I recommend them to every bride I encounter. I hope their business explodes. So, if you are wondering where all the flowers have gone, I pray they are in some cooler with my name on it.

Momma said there'd be days like this

Deep breathing. Deep breathing. Inhale and exhale slowly. This isn't working. There
are days that I just get anxious. Weddings sound like they consume your life. They
don't. They are an addition. Work is still mandatory. So is cleaning the house,
cooking, walking the dog. Let's take the little chore of going to the grocery store.
Make a list. Remember the bags. Shop....circling store for items like artichoke hearts and doubling back for milk. Load cart. Proceed to checkout. Unload cart. Pay. Take cart to car. Unload cart. Take cart back to store. Drive home. Unload car.
Put up groceries. See what I mean???? Friends parents get sick. They are your priority now. Birthdays need celebrating. Hair needs to be cut and colored and this can take forever. I need a pedicure. The car needs gas. The dog needs heartworm pills. Oh, you need a list for the rehearsal dinner. By tomorrow. Some days are fun, some not so much. There is not enough time.

Girl, you gotta give it up

The invitations have been mailed!!!!! Yea!!!!! Wedding invitations have more options than Carter has liver pills. So as not to bore anyone, we went with a classic engraved invitation. My dear co-worker patiently spaced and placed the wording. Precious didn't like Rook. So we started over. In the end, we were all very happy. Now, these
suckers must be assembled. Invite, tissue, reception card, tissue, stamped return envelope and reply card because apparently normal people don't know how to write a response card on their own. What do they teach in school? I digress. This assembly line took place on our dining room table. DO NOT ENTER the room if you are drinking or eating or chewing. If you own white gloves, that would be preferable. We check,
double check, triple check. We alphabetize and gently place them in the car for
transportation. We get to the post office and ask if hey hand cancel. NO. Next they take my invitations which are now like my babies and STUFF them into bins. A dagger pierced my heart. Please... They are alphabetized and oh so important. The postal worker looks at me and says with smile, Girl...you gotta give it up.

One Enchanted Evening- The Engagement Party

Ten couples went together to give my daughter and STBSIL the engagement party of their dreams. They ordered the cutest invitations you have ever laid your eyes on. Then these friends brought in a caterer, bartender and DJ. They organized themselves so some did liquor runs, some brought flowers, some brought trays and serving pieces, some helped hang tiny white lights around the patio. They had coozies made commemorating the happy occasion. The florist brought lanterns that were filled with white candles and topped with white hydrangeas. These lanterns lined the path from the street to the front door. A huge wreath of hydrangeas and roses and lilies was hung over the fireplace. Votive candles were everywhere. The bartender set up in the old Shenandoah room and you wouldn't have recognized the place. The DJ set up at one end of the ballroom. The dining room housed all the delectable food choices. After about an hour, the place was rocking. Now in my family, we really don't need much to shake our tail feathers. Yet, people who normally aren't the dancing type, looked like Fred and Ginger. The "young people" were doing dances to non-existent jump ropes, pretend sandwiches and car washes. My "older" friends were joining in on the fun. My mother and sister in law danced to almost every single song. That bartender and DJ were really doing their jobs. After the DJ packed it in, we were even more honored when my dear friend brought out his guitar. He sang a song to my daughter and STBSIL. He played and sang and we loved every minute of it. When the last flame of the candles died down, the platters of food were empty, the bar had taken a terrific hit and everyone was saying their good-byes, our hearts were full. Full of gratitude for our friends. Thank you seems inadequate. So..merci, gracias, and a great big THANKS Ya'll. It was one enchanted evening.

Hog Wart Hall

We live in an old tudor home that was built in the 30s. It is dark and dank and down right scary. I won't go into the basement. The attic only under dire need. There is a room we refer to in jest as the ballroom. It has a huge vaulted ceiling that looks like you are inside a whale's mouth. Two large chandeliers in the shape of wagon wheels hang from the ceiling. Go figure... This room is about 850 square feet. The walls in this area have given everybody great pause. We have all run our hands over it. Is it real stone? Is it cork? Is it a faux finish? What it is is UGLY. This house sits way up on a hill and you can't see it from the street. Our dear friends want to give an engagement party for our daughter. Precious wants to have the party at our home. Now this may seem simple. We just made a few minor adjustments... Cut down trees and clear a path. Level the path. Cover the path in wood chips. Thank God Precious has a very dear friend who assisted in this mammoth undertaking. Next on the list....Paint the ballroom. I'm not kidding, two coats. Next we need Air Conditioning in this room. Precious adds AC. Now, I was dead set against this as it would ruin the integrity of the room. I was wrong. Installing air conditioning in that room was pure genius. Now we have an ante room off of the ballroom. We used to refer to it as the shenandoah room. Bad ugly. Some type of untreated wood. Precious thinks we should paint it. So we buy some primer and commence. The primer disappeared. We try again. Again, the primer disappeared.
About our third coat. We decided this was a bad idea. The party is in 4 days so we have to finish this task. Precious decides to paint it a dark gold. If it disappears, it won't be as obvious. Guess what? Precious was right again...damn...
I hung a few paintings. Put in a palm tree and we ended up with an almost legitimate
bar. I am too old for renovations.

It's raining men (gay men)- HALLELUJAH

How did a person ever plan a wedding before gay men came out of the closet? This entire wedding is going to happen because of gay men. They are sooooooo out there and I love it and them!! They think out of the box. Their taste is exquisite, their sense of humor is biting and compliments flow from their lips like rain from a thundercloud. They love their dogs. Have I mentioned sensitive??? Their mama's must have made them go to charm school. They know how to dress and how to dress you. They pay attention to you when you speak. They have impeccable manners and they can flat cut a rug on the dance floor. They are not threatened by going to the opera or ballet. God must have given them all the green thumbs because their gardens are bursting with glorious, colorful blooms all year long. Not only do they grow flowers, but then they cut those flowers and arrange them in the most incredible arrangements. I'm not exactly sure why so many gay men are hairdressers, but thank the good Lord they have chosen this noble profession. They are strong and brave and are on the front line with you as you battle old age and graying hair. They cry with you when you tell them a sad story. I love a good straight man but sometimes, just sometimes, when some handsome hunk of a gay man goes by, the devil in me says..... now that's a crying shame. Forgive me Lord.

I'll diet tomorrow

I am overweight. There has not been a time in my life when I can't eat. Some people say they can't eat when they are stressed or worried or tired or sick. Me, I can eat anytime. Not only can I eat but I do eat. I love food. I like to read recipes. I like to try new recipes. I watch cooking shows on TV. I'm especially partial to Ina Garner the oh so talented Barefoot Contessa. I like sweet, savory, spicy and creamy foods. Cheese has it's own shelf in my refrigerator. Going to the produce stand, is like nirvana. I also like to drink. Wine would be a mainstay. One of the best inventions from the magnificent potato is vodka. I like vodka tonics or vodka and cranberry juice. Cosmopolitans are sublime. I love holding the chilled glass and seeing the droplets on the side. The limes look so beautiful. Margaritas send me to the moon. Not nasty ones but the ones that take a little effort. The secret to a good margarita is beer. So in summation I like to eat and drink. Entertaining is a blast. Having friends for dinner combined with drinking and eating...come on...it's fun. I like to set the table, arrange the flowers, try new recipes on my little guinea pigs. Sometimes this involves new drinks. Dawahs from Africa. One time I made some concoction so deadly, we were bedridden the next day....won't make those again. I have very good friends that don't have taste buds. Well, maybe they do, but they are not as developed as mine. In summation, I am fat. It is now weeks away from the wedding and I have gained weight instead of losing weight. I had to buy a MOB dress. Had to go to Omar the tent maker to find one. Does it look great? No, I look like a middle aged fat woman, swathed in material.
Guess it's time to diet. Think I'll start tomorrow.

Let them eat cake

One of the best perks of planning a wedding is getting to taste some mighty yummy cakes. Never walk into a bakery and think you could talk to someone about ordering a wedding cake. Were you born in the dark ages? One must call and make an appointment.
Once the appointment is made, you and your daughter and I suppose anyone else who has a sweet tooth could come to this appointment. Again, the surroundings are beautiful. The table is set with white linen and fabulous looking cakes fill the perimeter. You are seated and handed some books. Flipping through the books and gazing at the photos your heart soars. These are works of art. Then the baker discusses cakes....pound cake, layer cake, cheese cake. Cakes come in different flavors...lemon, vanilla, white chocolate, lavender, carrot and red velvet to name a few. Next come the fillings...hazelnut, mouse, ganache, praline and raspberry. Please. Your mouth starts to water and your imagination runs rampant with possibilities. Fondant or buttercream? Drum roll please. Next come the little white plates. Each one is covered in a wildly delicious confection. Oh it is so hard to decide. Then there is the decoration and the topper. And you thought this would be easy....So you are full and happy and a decision has been made. You are then handed an estimate. I swear it is higher that the cost of my first car. Don't be crass, just write the check.

Wishing and Hoping

My daughter is the first grandchild on my side of the family. She reigns supreme.
Her tiara shines and the entire family thinks she is something of a miracle. Guess
who might have been the one most under her spell? My father. My father loved my
little girl. He loved all of his grandchildren very much. But being the first grandchild, allowed them to spend time together. They went shopping together, they went to the park together, they went to the beach together and they read together. My father died in 1997. This is 2010. I have pretty much handled my grief and gotten on with my life. But I miss my Dad. I want him to know that our baby is getting married. I want him to know that he is missed. He will be missed at her wedding. So....Dad if you are in heaven or space or wherever your spirit is resting, know that I love you and miss you and that our baby is getting married.

Say yes to the dress

Shopping for wedding dresses is fun. The stores are beautiful. The people are nice.
But the hidden secret is, it is a little stressful. Is this the dress? They are all exquisite. Is my taste up to the challenge? In my old age, I tend to like a little bling. Shocking. I know. When I married 30 years ago, I wanted simple and understated. My daughter now wants simple and understated. But honey, this one has
crystals. See how they shine!!!! She doesn't want crystals. Okay. But honey,
this one has seed pearls. You love pearls!! No pearls. Okay. Honey, this one has lots of crinoline. No crinoline. Now at this point, I would sign up for crystals with seed pearls and probably some crinoline. Oh, I forgot....it's not my wedding. Oh honey, look at this one. It has lace. She actually likes the lace. But since she is wearing my veil, the lace doesn't match. Bummer. Who would have thought they would have so many styles? Mermaid is fitted with a flared bottom. My bottom flares enough without having to emphasize the monstrosity. Trashy is trashy. Do you really want to wear a lace up corset looking item for your wedding? I think not. Ballgown...need I say more. Folds and pleats and bows and ribbons and inverted pleats and pockets mixed with any combination of highneck, lowneck, strapless, and sweetheart necklines.... Our heads are swimming. The nice sales girl asks if she would like white, off white (not to be confused with ivory), ivory, cream, blush....you get the idea. It is not as easy as one would think. Just when we think we are about to hone in on the perfect dress, we have to consider the train. These too come is more lengths than you would imagine. The upshot is after visiting three stores, she has finally, happily said yes to her dress. She is a vision. She is beautiful. Does anyone have a tissue?

The List

You should be hearing the sound of some death march at this point. The list. Nothing and I mean nothing about this wedding has been difficult compared to compiling the list. Precious has given us a number. In trying to achieve this number, lots of fighting has occurred. Phones slam, doors slam, crying and gnashing of teeth is commonplace. We have cut cousins, friends, business associates and neighbors. Small and intimate is always nice and in good taste. It is 2010. Everyone has taken a financial hit. But Mom, what about so and so? Well this is HER wedding. She should have HER friends. So the size increases. Your STBSIL has lots of buddies. He wants to invite all of them. It is HIS wedding so he should have HIS friends. So the size increases. STBSIL has parents and they have friends. Of course they should have their friends. The size increases. Are you seeing a growth pattern emerge? We would like to have our friends. We are hosting this shindig. So the size increases. We stay up at night. On the trusty post it notes, we scribble names of people we had overlooked. The next morning we go to the list, scratch off some folks and scribble on more names. It is HARD. If either the bride or groom got sick, would they be willing to donate a kidney? Seriously. It has come to this.
Now it is time to mail the invitations and we are still working on the list. Thursday is the deadline. The list still looms. I think we have done our best. To those of you on the list, about that kidney??????

Money

Pink Floyd and The Beatles all sing songs about money. Liza Minnelli and Joel Grey in Cabaret and Meryl Streep in Mama Mia sing songs about money. Actually, all four of the above, are singing about not having any money. My mother taught me at an early age not to discuss money. It is crass. She also taught me to always tell the truth. I have a theory. When planning a wedding.....Lie. Lie like a rug.
If you ask for a cake to feed 200 people, it is one price. If you say you would like
a wedding cake for 200 people, the price immediately skyrockets. You could feed a small nation for a year for the same price. I'm using the baker as an example but this is true for the florist, the dress, the tents, the entertainment, the invitations, the photographer and transportation. Basically, all aspects of a wedding. Again, Lie. Just tell people you are having a party. You will save thousands. I remember asking a friend about the cost of an item and she said and I quote, "I don't remember. After awhile I had to quit trying to get the best deal because I was making my self sick". Now, I thought she was insane. Of course, you should try to get the best deal. Of course you compare prices. Guess what? She was right. After all is said and done, you just write the check. I just have one more question, do I get a discount for using cash?

Oh You've Gotta Have Friends

I love, love, love our friends. They are kind, funny, intelligent, classy, compassionate good people. They have offered to give parties in honor of our
daughter... bridesmaids luncheon, engagement party, kitchen shower, around the house shower. They have given me books to read. Offerings of wine, notes from their
daughters' weddings, photos of their daughters weddings, wine, information on florists, photographers, caterers, wine, advise, use of their homes and clubs and their time, have all been generously presented. One friend even addressed the wedding invitations. Some friends assembled the wedding invitations. Some friends love the wedding experience. Some were overwhelmed. But this I know, I have been a slacker in their time of need.

Weddings are happening for six of my dear friends' daughters. Do you have any idea how comforting it is to have company on this voyage??? We have laughed, compared notes, shared information and generally waded through together. Friendship is so underrated. I value my friends more than they will ever know. Thanks be to God.

Start spreading the news

Technology is a wonderful but scary thing. People discovered the "big engagement" news on the internet via facebook. How about them apples?? People were calling and offering congratulations immediately. Stumped by the number of calls and the impossibly remote locations where some of our friends live, I had to ask. How did you hear the news? Facebook, friends on facebook, children on facebook. Meanwhile, I was raised back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I was still composing my "list" of friends to notify. I wanted it to be special. I wanted to share the joy and hear their voices responding. Forget about it. It is my understanding that people even verify news by referring to facebook. For example, let's say I heard "John" was engaged. To be sure that nasty rumors weren't floating around, I would get on facebook and double check. If it is on facebook, then by golly IT IS FACT. Now in my day if Walter Cronkite said it, it was fact. So here's the deal, I've never been on facebook. Change is not my friend. It takes a long time for me to come around to the idea of things. Let's just take this blog. My daughter got engaged in December. In July, I decided to write the blog. Get it????? Processing new information can be challenging. I don't see any wires or antennae or carrier pigeons so how do words and thoughts and photos transmit through thin air? Facebook.
Maybe someday..........

The band

What band is playing at the reception? Do I look like Dick Clarke? I don't know any bands and can't we just rest? Never fear recommendations come forth. The selecting of the band process has been right down my alley. Establish a budget for said band, find a website that deals with bands, sit your fanny in front of your computer and click away. You get to listen to all kinds of music. Select your band. If they are available, you are done. That simple really. Done. Next????

I'm a green behind the ears novice when it comes to wedding planning. But I am going to pass along some advice......WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING. Post-It Notes are my best friend.
They are on my desk, in my purse, on the dashboard of my car, on the bedside table, on the bathroom mirror, on the coffee pot, the dog's leash, the toilet seat and if it is really urgent, on my arm. This is not a joke. Get a large stack. You will thank me later.

Puzzles are fun. They are something to do at the beach when it rains. Planning a wedding is like putting together a puzzle. There are lots of pieces. The next necessary piece is a place for the reception. Numerous calls, lots of places not available. A friend steps in and offers us the use of her club very near the church.
Joy oh Joy...this will be perfect. Sleep finally comes.

Arrangements are made to view the beautiful space. I like it, my daughter and my
STBSIL like it but Precious doesn't like it. Precious thinks the space is too divided and we would be better served in one large space. Precious is my husband. Precious is an engineer. Precious comes home and puts each line item on a spread sheet. He also gets on the internet, does some research and lo and behold we have a ballroom for the reception!! Now I have been married to Precious for almost 30 years. In all that time,
I have been referred to as the social secretary. Our social schedule is my area of expertise. When he takes the reins, shock and disbelief are only a few of the feelings running rampant through my veins. Way to go Precious!!! You've done good.

So November appeals to everyone. It works with the oh so important football schedule,
the grueling heat of summer should have passed and it is not interfering with any major holiday. So I place my first call to the church. No that date in November is
not available. We pick a second, third and fourth choice. The lady at the church is
saying there is no clergy. Really!!! There is a conference, a retreat, classes,
previously booked weddings..etc. She has also told my daughter that she will have to
pay an extra fee since she is not a member of the church. Now, I have been a pledging member for too many years to count. I taught Sunday School. I greeted Newcomers. I participated in vacation bible school. I also worked at the church for a brief period filling in until a permanent replacement was on board. My daughter sang in the choir and was an acolyte. Not a member, my temperature is rising.

Time to call in the big guns. I hate to resort to such but please, what am I supposed
to do. Guess what???? It is a miracle. We have a proposed date for the wedding!!!!!
Unfortunately, there is a football game but not a MAJOR game. It could possibly be
warm but hopefully not hot. Looks like late September it is. Thank you Jesus.

RETROSPECTIVE

This may seem like I'm a little ticked off with my STBSIL however nothing could be
farther from the truth. I really am crazy about the guy. To his credit, he seemed
genuinely thrilled with his new monogrammed tray that I gave him for Christmas. Several weeks later, I discovered that I have given the poor man the same gift numerous times....his birthday, Christmas, Labor Day just to name a few. It seems
that if something appeals to me, I sink my teeth in and over do it. I am not one of these less is more people. More is more period. So he has now met most of the family
crazies (myself included)and survived. He is tough. The holidays are over and we have
things to do.

Oh my gawd!!!! They have already asked 500 people to be groomsmen. All hopes of a small, intimate family affair at our favorite vacation spot dashed. I mean my soon to be son in law (STBSIL)is an extremely likable fellow. He has a million friends, has been in a million weddings and now would like to return the favor. OK!!!! I am jumping the gun.....if you think a nice calm enjoy the process of being engaged period is upon us, you would be dead wrong!!!! When is the wedding, where is the wedding? where is the reception? People, it is the week of Christmas...NO ONE IS OPEN. I'll make some calls but things are not very promising.

When planning a wedding there are numerous considerations. Perhaps the most shocking
one here in the south is your favorite team's football schedule. I found a great weekend and the church would be beautiful. Guess what??? The betrothed could not
possibly marry then as all their friends will be at blah blah game. Now we must consider holidays, birthdays, football games, and scheduled manicures. Availability
at the church and reception site are way down on the list.

Another shocker... My daughter says, when are we having Christmas because STBSIL's
family is having theirs at.... and we need to arrange time to be with both families.
WHAT????? You mean I have to share????? Kindergarten is when I learned to share.
Also, the golden rule....I would like to throw both premises out the window. This
is my baby. Christmas will be at my house. It will last for two-three days. Christmas Eve service, Christmas morning breakfast, Christmas at my house, Christmas
with the entire family. Cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and old friends. So let me get this straight. You plan on being at the Christmas service and our house?
Not so sure this marriage thing is a great idea.

I work in retail. The store caters to all desires of those to be married. We help
brides pick out their formal china, crystal, casual china and stainless. The entire
downstairs is full of merchandise to make the newlyweds new homes a showplace...Crystal bowls, silver candlesticks, cool serving trays, picture frames, decorative accessories, pitchers, decanters for the bar, desk accoutrement and finally those oh so special baby gifts. I love brides. I love brides' mothers. I love brides' grandmothers. I love brides' friends. But this bride, my bride...she has made me very, very emotional.

So now it is 10 days before Christmas. At work, we are a smidge crazy. Busy would
be an understatement. But here comes my baby and she has a gorgeous ring on her
left hand!!! It is a magnificent oval diamond ring. A three stone number...the center stone is larger than the two on either side. Tears, more tears. Customers look at me like I have 10 eyeballs. WE ooooHHHHHH and aaaaahhhhh and carry on like loons. Then I really have to focus. I need to get back to work...

By the way Mom, could we have (the fiance's) family for dinner to celebrate? But of
course!!! NO problem!!!! I'll get home at 6 and they can come at 7. No biggy.
Quick call to my husband......clean the bathroom, order take out and generally
pick up.

Bless his heart! He made a fire!!! Chilled the champagne and picked up the barbecue.
All I had to do was rearrange the furniture, move a few rugs, set the table and look
cool, calm and collected.

The family arrived...groom, his parents, his grandmother, his sister and her husband.
My son, my mom and her husband also were in attendance.

What a night!! Lots of hugging and kissing and toasting and drinking...thank God....drinking.

We think, no we know this is going to be a good thing...

My only daughter called at 2:00 in the morning. Gut wrenching fear.....are you ok? Are you
crying? What you're engaged!!!! We both cry.....Of course, I knew this was going to happen,
it was just of matter of when. My soon to be daughter's fiance had come to our home to ask for permission
to marry our daughter in early December. For the next two weeks, I couldn't talk to her or
anyone else for that matter as I have a huge mouth and keeping secrets from my daughter
is almost impossible. I didn't tell my mother or siblings or friends and basically stayed awake for two weeks trying to keep my mouth shut. How are you? Fine. Just about all I could muster. Black circles were under my eyes and creases formed around my mouth...you know...the new tight line of silence. At work, numerous mistakes...stupid mistakes...became my norm. I was distracted. Now he has popped the question and she said YES!!!!! He loves her, she loves him and the wedding planning begins.